Life Lessons

HELP WANTED!

2012-01-05T13:23:00.000-06:00

In the last few days ... my garage door has started acting up. Push the button ... and the door goes up ... push the button later ... and the door starts to go down ... then hangs up ... stuck somewhere along the track.

Not always in the same place, either.

It's been a long time since my remote clickers have worked. They both stopped working at the same time ... so my guess it's not the batteries. It's been annoying to always open and close the door from the wall button ... and not from the car ... but I've adjusted to that over time.

So it's now become a two- person job to close the garage door. One to push the button ... and one to gently tug the door along ... so that it doesn't hang up ... on it's way down.

This morning, I forgot to open the garage door and back the car out before Jessi left. So I was a little worried about what to do about closing the garage door ... when I got ready to go the places I need to go ... later.

Figured I should just go ahead and do it ... early ... and get the frustration over with ... then resign myself to the situation.

Pushed the button ... and the door slowly rose ... about 1/4 way up ... and then it stopped ... stuck ... high enough to crawl under ... but too low to drive under.

That was just swell!

So I stood there pushing the button ... over and over ... as if it was going to magically "fix" itself. That's what you do ... when you don't know what else to do ... isn't it?!?!

Just keep pushing the button.

Finally, I walked over and tried to examine both sides to see WHAT was obstructing the movement. Whatever it is ... it's beyond me. So I grabbed the door in the middle ... and pushed it up ... didn't budge ... pushed it down ... didn't budge.

Seems you have to have someone manning the button ... when you are pushing & pulling ... imagine that.

So now I'm thinking .... this is worse than not being able to close the garage door when I leave ... because now ... I simply can't leave.

Once again, I grabbed the garage door ... and just shook it ... and speaking outloud as if there was anyone to hear me ... I said ...

I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF !!!

I had to smile ... because I imagined myself looking just like Snoopy ... shaking his fist ... shouting ... "Curse you, Red Baron!"

Not much else I could do at that moment, so I headed back in the house to have another cup of coffee. Passing the button, I couldn't resist ... taking a jab at it.

I punched it. And presto, the door glided open!

The sunshine came pouring in ... along with the laughter ... and the whisper, "Of course you can't, MJ!"

I backed the car out ... and I laughed, too. At myself.

Everything in my house needs "fixing". The top on my car is held together by duct tape. There's nothing about my life that isn't "broken" ... right now. The very foundation crumbled beneath my feet earlier this week.

And I started thinking about how long I've been standing here ... pushing the button ... waiting for something to happen ... on it's own ... because I don't really know what else to do ... on my own.

I wish this story ended ... as so many of mine do ... with me saying that now the garage door works just fine ... push the button ... it goes up ... push the button ... it goes down.

But ... it doesn't.

I had to shake ... rattle ... and tug ... at a dozen different stops ... then run over to push the button ... to gain another inch or so of progress ... but eventually, I did get the door shut.

It would have certainly been easier ... if someone else had been here ... to help me out.

So as I face the new year ... here's what I know ...

A whole lot of things need a-fixin .... some things need to be replaced ... and others discarded ... not to mention that it's time for a whole bunch of stuff that's new ...

... and I can't do much about any of it ... by myself.

It will be fun & interesting to see who shows up to help ... sure hope they're patient ... and have a sense of humor ... cuz God knows it's going to be an adventure ... helping MJ.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Jingle ... Jingle ... Jolly ...

2011-12-20T15:01:00.000-06:00

When I was about 14, my family lived in Little Rock. My cousins lived in Cabot. All of us were about the same age.

That Christmas, my cousin, Jerry Neal ... I know he likes to be called "Jerry" now ... but back then he was always "Jerry Neal" ... anyway, he received two goats. And I'm pretty sure that was what he asked for, too. He couldn't wait to tell us all about them when we gathered for dinner around my Aunt Julia's table.

One goat was a boy ... and one goat was a girl.   They had been delivered the day before ... I believe. He was so excited!

It's been a long time ago ... so I don't remember what he named that boy goat. The girl goat ... well, he proudly announced he had named HER ... "MaryJane".

Now ... THAT ... was special.

My younger brother, Beau, couldn't resist ... "Why in the world did you name your goat, MaryJane?", he asked.

"Well, cuz she was so stubborn ... we couldn't get her to come off the truck. We pulled her. We pushed her. We did everything we knew how to do. She just sat down & refused to budge. Stubborn. So I named her MaryJane."

Thus the nickname "Nanny Goat" was born.

Not in the family was I affectionately known as "Nanny Goat", mind you ... but to the world at large. You see, once again, Beau couldn't resist.  He shared the story with everyone ...

He found it ... delightul.

I did have scrawny, spindly legs ... very goatish ... so somehow it just stuck.

For over 30 years, I have smiled at the story ... because, truth is, I am very stubborn ... yet I have always viewed it as something, well, less than flattering.

Until today .... that is ...

... when a friend sent me this video.

I was totally unprepared for the impact. Even though she knew me in high school, she was not in the group that would have ever heard the story ... so it was totally random.

Funny how life goes.

Watching the lively little goats ... joyfully frolic ... the tears streamed down my face. Seems like pretty much ... everything ... makes me cry lately. And it dawned on me ... that quite possibly there was more to the naming of that little goat ... than just the "stubborn" story ...

It's a little late, I know ... still ...

Thank you, Jerry Neal, for seeing me ... exactly this way!

Jingle ... jingle ... jingle ... all the way ...

As stories go ...

2011-12-19T09:08:00.001-06:00

I am a little baffled by the whole "Elf on the Shelf" phenomena.

"The Elf on the Shelf – A Christmas Tradition is the very special tool that helps Santa know who to put on the Naughty and Nice list."

That's exactly what it says on the "About Us" page for the Elf On the Shelf.

Somehow I don't like the idea that Santa's elves aren't really REAL until they are adopted by some family ... with the specific purpose of spying ... and tattling ... on everyone in the house.

Not really my idea of a special Christmas tradition.

But that's just me.

I am pretty sure that some of those "original" elves have been hanging around my house since I was about 3 years old ... they came along with gifts to my brothers & me from my Aunt Merthyne.

A big fan of Santa Claus, she was ... probably they were close friends. She would have never sent elves to spy on us in his name!

I had forgotten about those elves ... until this year ... when I found them tucked into a special holiday wreath from many years ago along with a host of other sweet favorites she sent over the years.

Davey and the First Christmas ... now that's a treasured tradition ... it's always been my Mother's favorite. There haven't been many Christmas' in over 50 years that she hasn't read this story to some loved ones ... young or young-at-heart.

How cool to find the story being shared this way ... not sure if the book is even still in print. Our copy is well worn & fragile.

Enjoy!

... and for the tomboy that was MJ ... there was the Wonderful Window ... it came in a cool little box with cut-outs & things. And it still warms my heart when the "wonderful" window POPS UP as you turn the pages ...

The angel came in with a smile on his face.

And both he and Katie got down on their knees,

Praying, "Lord, could you spare

one

small

miracle--

please?"

No elf on the shelf for me ... I'm sticking with Davey ... and Katie ... as stories go ... their's are more in keeping with what Christmas means ... to me.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

A Christmas Conundrum ...

2011-12-15T21:37:00.001-06:00

My cell phone charger ... the one that plugs into the wall ... broke recently. So I've been depending on the one in my car to keep me powered-up ... connected to the world.

What that means is ... fairly frequently in the last week or so, I have gone out into the garage and started the car ... for no other reason than to charge up my little phone battery.

Not sure why my Solara has to be turned on for the charger to work ... my Sebring would charge my phone without even having the key in the ignition.

Technology. Blows my mind.

So I start the car & leave it running for many minutes at a time. I generally leave the door between the laundry room & the garage open ... mostly so I don't forget that the car is out there ... running.

Wandering in and out ... it occurred to me ... that ... yeah, I could do that ... start up the car & hang out in the garage ... if the despair was ever that great.

So easy ... no wonder so many have done that very thing ...

Despair, though, has never really been a reality to me. So no need to worry on my account. Really. I promise.

Not sure why I wrote that ... but I've known for days that I was going to open my next blog with it. Guess maybe it has something to do with the malaise ... of the season ...

Everything ... everywhere ... is all tricked out with tinsel ... and lights ... offering up the pretense of shiny and new. And it starts earlier and earlier each year.

Somewhere in the midst of the glitz ... the glitter ... the giving ... the getting .... Christmas has lost it's meaning ... as the world continues to lose it's joy.

And hurting people ... empty & lonely ... hopeless people ... hang out in their garages ... with the engine running ... listening to music ... about peace & love ... meaningless words in the context of their lives.

I love Christmas. Always have. So these past years that I haven't been able to find even the teeniest bit of the ho-ho in my heart ... it's taken an amazing amount of fortitude to
go-through-the-motions ...

... rushing through as quickly as possible ... focusing on the promise of a Happy New Year.

Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

It was a few days after Christmas ... when that verse arrived in the mail ... in a note of encouragement ... from a very good friend ... at exactly the moment that life as I knew it ... came to an end.

Over the next few months it kept appearing ... in an email ... on a sign ... in a book ... on a plaque thingy ... a constant reminder that God was in the midst ... of the devastation ... then later ... in the reclaiming ... of myself.

Here it is, Christmas, once again. Early on I started having twinges ... tingles ... and I thought to myself ... how awesome it was to be feeling expectant ... and hopeful ... again ... finally ...

This was the year I would begin to re-discover Christmas. Ho! Ho! Ho!

I even told a few people that ... who are close to me. Jinx.

Like the unexpected snowfall a few weeks ago ... things just started happening ... things that were designed to keep me from finding ... Christmas.

Stumbling along ... I keep putting my little Jesus ... back in his manger.
And Jessi keeps re-arranging the angels. Somehow we are maintaining ...

Hopeful. Tentative ... but hopeful.

I allowed myself to open every single box of Christmas decorations ... to unwrap ... and enjoy each special ornament ... arrangement ... bow ... dish ... book .. Santa .. elf ... angel ... lavishing myself with the joys of Christmas' past.

Lavish. Such a decadent word. And I wonder, is that a bad thing? Guess it depends on the context. I'm not sure.

And then there was the anticipation of the giving of my gifts.

Even during the dark years, I have always enjoyed the gift giving. You see, each gift is a personal communication between me & the one I am gifting. All year I gather up things ... as I find them ... with a special person in mind. I am not want to just go out in a shopping frenzy ... to check off names on my list ...

It's simply not my style.

My family refuses to share their wish lists with me ... it's been that way for years & years ... because they say they'd prefer to have the unique treasure that is
always found in a MJ gift.

This year has been no different. I have been bringing them out in little batches ... and wrapping my gifts. I have to do it that way because Jessi sneaks & peeks.

Putting the special things in boxes or bags ... wrapping up a little piece of me along with each one ... always makes me happy.

So you see, even with the early onslaughts, I have been hanging on to my Christmas tingle ... as best I can ...

Then like a snowball to the back of the head ... came the assault ...

... since Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ,

why do you buy gifts for other people?

It was hurled in the midst of a lengthy Facebook conversation that started with "Happy Holidays" vs "Merry Christmas" ... and it totally blindsided me.

A snowball, afterall ... is made from snowflakes ... each one individual & unique ... clumped together clumsily ... and packed down into a hard-hitting zinger. I guess it had never crossed my mind that ... crowd psychology ... applied to snowflakes.

There it was ... a suckerpunch ... from someone who claims to "know" me ... and my heart ... someone who has been receiving my gifts ... my time ... my resources ... my opportunities ... my encouragement ... my home & family ... my love ... bits & pieces of me ... for a very, very long time.

Oh well ... Wal-Mart GUARANTEES more Christmas for your money ... this year. So I guess that explains it. Surely if it's plastered all over Wal-Mart ... than it must be true ... Christmas is simply something you toss in your cart along with shampoo, light bulbs and a carton of milk.

And if a gift is truly nothing more than an obligatory expression of something to someone who may or may not really be important ... by all means, share a little more of nothing this Christmas ... Wal-Mart will gladly take your money.

Sure ... I deserved that ...

Really quickly ... my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe weighed in ...

Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

There it was again ... my personal message of encouragement ... randomly posted on the wall of someone who is an acquaintance ... who doesn't know me well enough to be a friend.

In keeping with my personal tradition of the last few years, I made a simple list of three things for Santa. All of my "wants" are intangible ... and undefined ... by design. Each year thus far, my gifts have been received no later than New Year's Eve.

Just like snowflakes ... each has been rare, unique & genuine. And because I don't know where they will come from ... or how they will be packaged ... it has allowed me to experience a little bit of Christmas magic ... as my heart has been healing.

A glimmer of hope, a special wish & something wonderfully unexpected. That's what I put on my list ... last nite. By 10 a.m. this morning ... two out of the three had already materialized.

What's up with that?!?! I wondered. So I posed the question.

You're not asking BIG enough, MJ. It's time for you to ask for the BIG things.

That's the answer I got back. Loud and clear. So I pondered on that as I was driving about. What would be BIG enough?

... the desires of your heart ...

Immediately I was humbled. There's no way I can ask for the desires of my heart. I am totally unworthy ... and honestly, I have no idea what are the desires of my heart. I told Him that. He laughed a little ... He finds me so amusing.

Over the last few years I have learned to receive His love ... to allow myself to feel His delight in me. It's been a salve to my hurts. And with a nudge, He reminded me to look at my list again ... from this year ... and the last couple of years ...

Somewhere along the way, I have learned how to ask ... for what He wants to give me.

"Delight" in the Lord ... that's what the message says. And in an instant I realized .. that's it ... to delight myself in the Lord ... IS ... the desire of my heart.

A Christmas conundrum. A riddle where the beginning and the ending are the same ... something like ... Alpha and Omega ... yeah, yeah ... I may be a little slow ... but I get it!

There's still a bit of time left ... for me to find Christmas ... this year. I'm asking BIG now. And He's delighted.

Merry Christmas.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Shell Game ...

2011-11-24T11:29:00.001-06:00

It's a plastic tube ... with a bunch of sea shells in it ... there's some bits & pieces of colored coral ... for good measure. I found it ... somewhere in the house ... while de-cluttering.

A souvenir ... most likely ... a reminder ... of life ... at the beach. So I tossed it casually into the box of things I was going to sell on ebay a month or so ago.

Took the picture ... posted it ... along with the assorted items of the day ... the week ... the month. It has been amusing to me ... what things actually ... SELL ... on ebay.

Jessi wandered in ... poking through the box of stuff that I was trying to send to a new home ... quickly, she grabbed up the tube of shells saying,

"You can't put that on ebay! It's Abbi's!"

I shook my head. I was pretty sure it wasn't Abbi's. I haven't been into any of her stuff ... most of it is buried three rows deep in the garage ... behind the collections of things that came over from Aunt Julia's last year.

Agitated. Emphatic. She took the little tube of shells ... shook it ... and stomped down the stairs with it. Later I noticed that she had put it in the top of a box of things I was setting aside for Abbi to go through next time she visited ... things she could decide to claim as treasures or relinquish forever.

Not too much time passed before Abbi breezed through for a quick visit. She rummaged through the box of things ... picked out a couple of items ... and left the rest. Now of these were "special" things ... just random stuff that had been surfacing in the de-cluttering process.

I noticed that she had returned the plastic tube full of shells to the box.

"Jessi says that's yours," I told her.

She looked puzzled & shook her head, "Nope. Not mine"

"She was very adamant about it," I went on. "It is important to her. She rescued it from the ebay box and put it in your box."

Abbi said no it wasn't hers ... she hadn't ever seen it before ... and she really didn't need or want ... a "retail" package of shells.

She has plenty of shells ... of her own.

We both smiled ... at Jessi and her ways. Of course, we didn't get it. We don't see things like Jessi.

So I took the items that weren't important back to the ebay pile. And once again, Jessi calmly ... but firmly ... retrieved the tube of shells. She did it without me knowing it. Next thing I knew, the tube of shells were back in Abbi's box ... waiting for her next visit.

For a couple of weeks, we played the shell game ... Jessi and I. I'd take them upstairs. She'd bring them downstairs. I'd take them back upstairs. Once I listed them again ... I put them in the closet with the other items that were waiting to be purchased.

"Where's Abbi's kaleidoscope?" Jessi asked one evening.

Puzzled, I said I didn't know what she was talking about or where to look for it. And I was totally floored by the word ... kaleidoscope.

"Abbi's kaleidoscope ... WHERE IS IT?!?" Jessi demanded. "It's not in the box."

Looking around, I realized she was looking in the upstairs box I bring things to before I listed them on ebay. Again, I said, "I haven't seen a kaleidoscope. I don't know what you are talking about, Jessi."

Frustrated, she said, "Mom. It's Abbi's kaleidoscope. I made it for her. She has to have it. It's important."

Then it dawned on me. The plastic tube of shells ... it was a kaleidoscope. Jessi made it for Abbi. It was plain as day to her ... what it was ...

It was me ... who didn't SEE it ... the same way Jessi saw it.

Heading into the closet, I brought it out. "Is this it?" I asked.

"Yes! It's Abbi's kaleidoscope. I made it for her ... with shells from the beach ... she loves the beach, Mom ..." that's what Jessi said, and then ... "See ... when you turn it, Mom ... everything changes ... and then it looks different."

Together we placed the kaleidoscope in Abbi's box ... awaiting her next visit.

I have spent hours thinking about that kaleidoscope. And how out-of-focus I allow myself to get at times. I have looked at it from every angle ... and on the bottom ... are Jessi's initials ... "JS" ... to be sure that no one else at the workshop claimed her handiwork.

On days when I have been here by myself, I have picked up that simple tube of shells & coral. I have turned it ... shook it up ... pondered the bits & pieces ... the fragments of the beach ... which in our house ... will always be reminders ... of other things ... memories of a past life ...

And it occurs to me, that maybe I have been trying too hard to make all of my puzzle pieces fit into a new picture ... somehow. Instead of collecting them in one place ... and letting them ebb & flow ... on their own .. in response to what life is showing me ... at any given time.

Once I asked for a NEW puzzle ... and Abbi made me one. She wrote the words ... describing the pieces of me ... that I was wanting to hang on to ... on little slips of paper ... and embedded them in a crystal ball of glitter.

It was cool and insightful ... the perfect gift for my healing heart.

And here ... in the little plastic tube ... was Jessi's attempt ... to do the same for Abbi.

Abbi came this week. She left with the kaleidoscope ... that her sister made for her ... full of love & pieces of the beach.

The pieces will shift around ... each time she picks it up ... and it will never look the same twice. The pieces all belong inside, though ... they are what make up the kaleidoscope ...in the first place ... making it vital & precious.

Without all of the bits & pieces ... the fragments ... brightly colored coral ... along with the plain, unadorned shells ... it would have no meaning.

Jessi is right. It is important. She teaches me things ... fresh & new ... when she demands that I see things through her eyes ... all of the time.

Today, when I picked up Jessi's boyfriend to join us for parade watching & a Thanksgiving feast with family later ... he was asking about how Jessi was doing after her medical procedure this week.

Bless his heart. He has been so worried. Is there a chance she will die?!?! He had asked last week. I assured him there was no chance of anything like that. Then yesterday when she showed up with some humongous safety glasses on ... underneath her regular glasses ... he almost lost it.

"Is she blind?!?" he asked urgently.

I had to smile ... because she is most definitely ... NOT blind!

Neither one of us have a clue where she got those safety glasses ... she thought they were a cool touch to her "rock star" outfit for the talent show.

This morning, we talked about how there was nothing wrong with her ... it was just a pro-active procedure ... but that there was a little bit of soreness & tenderness ... and that he should be patient with her for a few days.

He became very quiet ... as we drove along ... gazing reflectively out the window. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, MaryJane, when things are healing ... it has to hurt some, too. That's how you know it's healing."

Jessi's not blind. She sees things we don't see. And Donald ... well, at times I am positive that he is the wisest man I have ever met.

Today ... things hurt ... that's how I know there is healing.

... there's a time for everyone

if they only learn

that the twisting kaleidoscope

moves us all in turn ...

~ Can You Feel The Love Tonite - Elton John

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

A Thought ~ early 1970s

2011-11-03T20:34:00.001-05:00

Here's another thing I went looking for ... in the last week. It's a poem I wrote when I was in the 9th or 10th grade ... can't remember now what reminded me of this poem ... but I discovered a whole box of "early writings" ... that I knew was lurking around in a closet ... untouched for who knows how long ... can't wait to spend a little time in that box ... it's gonna be full of memories ...

A Thought

by MaryJane Rogers

i have a thought

running through my mind ...

i just can't remember what it is.

that's strange ... 'cause

elephants aren't supposed to forget.

i tried tying a string around my finger but ...

a little bird flew by and stole it

for its nest.

then i tried writing a note on my hand but ...

but when you don't have a pen

it's hard to make any kind of impression.

so now i guess i'll take my butterfly net

and go searching through my brain

for my wisp of a thought.

it's playing hide-n-seek with me

OH! NO!

tag you're it!

look ... over there ... i spy

amid the cobwebs.

HEY! YOU!

take 2 giant steps ... 1 baby step ... 2 more giant steps

ITHinkiLoveEyOU!

~ I should note here that the poem was typed on what would now be an ancient IBM Selectric typewriter .... non-correcting ... the model that had interchangeable type font balls. It's on yellow "draft" paper that was flimsier than regular paper ... it's what your put your ideas on BEFORE you actually typed an original.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Disguise

2011-10-31T15:04:00.000-05:00

I never know what I am going to find ... until I go looking for something.

Take last week. I went out in the storage room to find the costume box. A friend was invited to a Halloween party ... and she had ... nothing to wear.

I told her that I had a box ... full of stuff ... and she was welcome to borrow whatever she wanted to ... out of it.

Trick was ... I had to find the box. Treat was ... what I found in it.

So I drug the blue Rubbermaid box into the den. It was dusty and cobwebby on the top. Been a long time since anyone in my house went looking for a costume.

Costumes are very cool. You get to dress up like someone ... or something ... that you're not. Wearing a disguise to hide who you really are ... on the outside ...

And for a moment in time, you pretend ... or maybe, just maybe ... you actually let who you are ...the real you ... on the inside ... come out & play.

Along with the blue box, there was also a black trash bag ... all knotted up at the top. I didn't really remember where it came from or what was in it ... so I figured I should take a look ...

Inside the bag ... were layers and layers of netting. I think that's what it's called in seamstress language. It was that wiry, mesh looking stuff ... that's stiff when bunched together ... and when worn underneath a skirt of any style or length ...
adds poof ... and body.

There were teeny, tiny petticoats made of netting scrunched up on elastic ... and there were layered contraptions designed to add shape to longer skirts. And there were even one or two that had elaborate fastners designed in some rag-tag corset style.

There were toddler sizes ... to lady sizes. Some were adjustable.

A few other delightful accessories were buried in that bag. Lace handkerchiefs. A vintage cummerbund & bow tie ... burgundy ... in it's original packaging ... with a starched ... never-worn men's pleated tuxedo shirt ... in a plastic sleeve ...

So ... apparently ... some of the treasures came from my grandmother's
costume & bridal shop.

Others ... of the meshy get-ups ... I know for certain ... my mother made ... to enhance something I was wearing somewhere .. at some time.

"Mommy-Made" ... whoosh ... another memory rushing in ... that's an entirely different story ... for some other day!

As I unloaded the trash bag ... I figured I might as well separate the adult sized things ... from the children & youth sized stuff ... to make it easier & quicker the next time I dived in ... looking for a disguise!

Opened up the box.   And all of the things I remembered were waiting for me there.

Witch hats ... a collection ... some with hair ... orange, green, pink ... some without ... severe, drab toppers for Icky's annual outing. There were black capes & robes. And a black dress that drapes over a multitude of sins.

It's been a few years since I reviewed my witch wardrobe. Simply been keeping a couple of favorites tucked away in the back of a closet ... inside ... for those days I wanted to venture out ... un-disguised!

... if the broom fits, ride it ...

Beneath those finds were layers & layers of stories of Abbi's & Jessi's Halloweens. From the My Buddy clown suit that fit the 6 month old perfectly ...
(my personal favorite of all time) ... to Cinderella ... Belle ... two cute Little Mermaids with shimmering tails ... a ghost ... a pumpkin ... and I am wondering ... how in the heck did I ever let the McDonald's french fries ... get away ... for good?!?!

Next came some truly lovely, vintage dresses from the 1950s. Things my mother had worn as she made the transition from young lady to woman. Some were handsewn ... others have designer tags ... from some long ago time ... nestled in the necks or bodices.

Petite ... that's the size of the these dresses. Not sure that any of us gals in the family will ever wear them ... now ... but some lucky great granddaughter will delight in them ... one day ... I am certain of it.

My Cotillion days were fodder for some cool '60s and '70s styles ... and a few cherished pieces were there in the box, too. Back in the day ... Cotillion required a "party" dress for the gals ... every week ... and formals on occasion.

And sometimes there were theme nights ... that required us to dress up as something or someone. Early disguises. Some of those are in there, too.

One in particular ... a red cut-velvet skirt with black fringe around the bottom with a sassy black patent leather bolero-style vest ... my saloon girl look ... A little daring ... for that MJ ... but fun ... always fun!

The BIG find of the day though ... caught me by surprise ... took my breath away. I had to sit down ... and re-live it ... the good ... the bad ... the ugly ...

Bittersweet. Than a rollicking laugh outloud.

There it was ... kinda sorta folded up ... but seriously, it's impossible to fold up a patent leather ... anything!

THE .... redpatentleather ... vest !!!

It was the bomb! Honest! Or maybe it was ... groovy ... I don't think things were the bomb ... in the early 1970s.

It came with a rather ordinary dress. As I recall, the dress was some kind of knit material ... it was sort of like a long sleeve turtleneck sewn on to a skirt ... which hit somewhere just below the knees. The top was white ... the skirt part was blue.

Drab. Plain. Very unassuming. Even with the long, red jacket-ish vest on top. Nothing too special about the outfit. It was comfortable and fit all of the requirements for appropriate attire for girls ... at school.

Mini skirts ... and hot pants ... with boots ... were all the rage ... on the high fashion scene. That was THE look. And all of us girls ... wanted to look like ... THAT!

Not sure what magazines I read that summer before 8th grade ... probably Seventeen ... or Glamour ... but in one of them ... there was a picture of the cutest outfit ... ever!

White short shorts .... topped with a long ... red patent-leather vest ... belted ... and finished off with red patent platform shoes!!!

H.O.T.   Hot, hot, hot!

Oh ... to look like ... THAT! On the first day of school ... especially since I was going to a new school ... it was the perfect time to stop being the selfconcious wallflower ... and burst forth as the self-confident rebel ...

It was possible. Anything's possible. And besides, I had all of the components of the outfit. I had a really cute pair of white short shorts ... never really liked the concept of "hot pants" ... that I had been wearing all summer.

And Mimi had bought me some adorable red patent leather shoes ... stacked platforms that laced up ... to jazz up the unassuming dress. Matched the vest ... afterall.

That's one thing I will say for Mimi. She was all about style ... and accessories!

And the piece de resistance ... was THE vest! I had the vest. And once you took it off the plain little dress ... it was daring ... spectacular ... perfect.

So I cut out the picture. Showed it to my mom. She thought it was the bomb .. ahem .. groovy. Then I said ... hold on just a minute ... and I raced into my room ... and came out modeling ... my outfit ... my new disguise ... no more mousy MJ!

Needless to say, she was stunned. At my audacity ... at my sassy-ness ... my style ... my glamour. She agreed ... that it was ... IT!

A plan was hatched ... by my mother and me. She was not only going to allow me to go to school ... on the very first day ... in this high-power fashion statement ... she was encouraging me to be bold & daring.

"Life is a daring adventure or nothing." ~ Helen Keller

I really don't remember a single other time that my mom was undeniably my ally & cheerleader in cutting edge adventure. That was usually my dad's role ... only in arenas that placed value on abilities & performance rather than outward appearances & social status, though.

Both of us were pretty sure that it wasn't going to be within the dress code guidelines ... but it was a new school ... a new year ...

And rumor had it ... that possibly .,.. girls were going to be allowed to wear pants ... and maybe even shorts .... so it was worth a shot ...

What was the worse that could happen?!?!

I'd get told not to wear it again ... or something like that.  Still ... I would have made an astonishing first impression ... on the first day of school. Surely that would be enough ... for me to be ... SOMEBODY ...

It's funny how memories go. My older brother went to school with me that day ... yet I don't have any clue what he wore ... or even what he thought about what I was wearing. I am pretty sure that I simply didn't exist ... in his world ... at the time.

My father ... however ... not only noticed what I was wearing ... but had quite a bit to say about it. He was flabbergasted !!! Actually, that is an understatement.

To this day, I am not sure whether he was more astonished that I would want to wear something so ... racy .... or that my mother was encouraging me to do exactly that!

No way, MJ! That's what HE said. Adamantly. He put his foot down. Then he put his foot down again. Again. Again. Again.

How in the world my mother won this argument, I have no idea. Or maybe she didn't ... win. It's possible that we were both ... defiant ... I really don't remember.

All I know is that I headed out the door ... looking like ... a gorgeous long-legged model in some high fashion photo shoot!

In my dreams, of course. I was under 5' and weighed less than 100 pounds at the time. It's amazing that there's no photo to document the monumental occasion.

So what happened!?! Did my defiance & daring change my life forever?!?!

Not so much.

Never even made it into the halls of Booker Jr. High. That's right. Snagged by some crochety ole teacher as soon as my feet touched the parking lot ... and whisked away to the principal's office before .... anyone ... important ... saw all the stunning ... that was ... ME!

She was probably just jealous of my youth .... my spunk ... my radiant beauty.   Bet she was a spinster, too. To be honest, I don't think I ever saw THAT teacher again ... not a single time in the next two years.

One phone call ... and then a very long wait ... until my mother arrived ... and she was reprimanded for my "inappropriate" dress ... then we were both sent home.

It's the only time I was ever sent home from school ... for any reason.

... and my dad ... oh yeah ... he had the last laugh. He rubbed it in ... chuckling
"I told you so" ... for years & years. As a matter of fact, I imagine he's having a good laugh ... right this very minute ... at the memory of it all.

Beauty ... and acceptance ... has nothing to do with clothes or accessories ... that's what he always told me. Or makeup ... or fingernail polish.

I remember he really razed me about fingernail polish ... sure, maryjane, go ahead and wear it ... if you think you need it ...

That's what he'd say. I can hear him ... as if ... it was yesterday. Still not sure that I
"get it" ... but I never paint my nails that I don't think about him.

My father ... he's been gone from this life ... for 25 years.

Last week he got my attention ... in the most extraordinary way. Not really sure what to make of that encounter ... yet.

The red vest, well, guess I will be keeping it for another 40 years or so ... as a reminder ... that disguises are only necessary if you want to give a false appearance ... or assume some different identity.

A reminder ... that being me ... is always enough.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) October 2011

Run, MJ! Run!

2011-09-24T12:38:00.003-05:00

How well are you running the race?

That was the subject line on the first email in my inbox ... the day after ... I came clean ... about my hamster wheel ... habit.

Honest. I don't make this stuff up. And even though I had 8 viewers ... and 2 watchers ... my hamster wheel ... received 0 bids ... on ebay this week ... again.

Maybe I should just give it away ...

I think I'm doing ok ... in the race running ... that is. De-cluttering. That's my goal. It has been for more than a few weeks ... this time. Ever since I got that direct message:

You're holding on to too many things, MJ.

When my best friend speaks that plainly & directly, I always listen! No. It's not

E.F. Hutton ... it's God, Creator of the Universe. And, granted, He isn't just talking about things in my garage ... in my house ... in the little room off the sunporch.

Starting to clear out my house ... is just easier ... than clearing out my heart.

You see it's not the fact that I am holding on to ... too many things .. that's the problem. It's the ... holding on ... to too many things.

Letting go is very hard for me. Maybe that's because I have spent my entire adult life trying to make someplace feel like home. So I gather up things that I think should be important ... and meaningful ... and I keep carrying 'em along with me. Whereever I go.

Thinking surely ... those things ... will make this place ... or that place ... feel like ... home.

From time to time ... it's almost worked ... for a year or so ... then reality sets in. You'd think I would have figured it out ... long before now ...

Things don't make a home.

And even though I am totally committed to cleaning out ... de-cluttering ... ridding myself of things that are no longer necessary to me ... I falter.

I pick it up. Spend a little too long remembering where it came from .. why I have it ... & analyzing why I thought it needed to be brought along ... this time ...

Determined & cynical in my old age ... I am getting pretty good at cutting the cord ...

to a lot of things. There is always that moment of hesitation, though, when I realize that there is still some life left in it ... it's just hard to give up something ... that still has

a little bit of life.

So this go round ... I am striving to be more practical. Telling myself that, yes, the object in question still has value & purpose ... it has something to offer ... to someone ...

just not to me ... not anymore.

Hanging on to things ... that may ... or may not ... have a little life left ... has been sucking the life ... right out of me ... for a very long time.

Thinking about things ... always leads to thinking about people.

I tend to hang on ... a little too long ... to friendships that have run their course ... too.

And ... to be perfectly honest ... at times it's the idea of a relationship ... that never actually unfolds ... the way I think it might ... the way I want it to ... that I allow to occupy a little too much space in my heart.

Imaginary relationships ... with real live people ... hopefully building my house of cards on whims ... silly, silly me.

It's a game I play with myself ... it seems safer ... than playing for real ... playing games with my head ... to guard my heart ... and MJ loses ... every single time.

Pretty sure those make-believes are part of the "too many" things I am holding on to ....

Seriously ... you'd think those would be the easiest to put out on the curb ... cuz there's no life in pipe dreams & "what ifs" ...

But they're not.

And after months of silence, the little bear has suddenly become Chatty Cathy. Cheering me along the race course, maybe.

I have written about the talking little bear ... a couple of times before. He's special.

Unpredictable ... unexplainable ...

The possibility of it being a battery that's running down has long been put to rest. If it takes over a year & a half for those batteries to ... lose their charge ... then I am thinking I want some more batteries from where those came from ...

Some days ... it's simply a random outburst ... maybe 2 or 3 times in a 24 hour span. Other times, it's a frenzy of chatter ... clusters of messages ... running together ... separated by pauses of varying lengths ... conversation-like.

It seems that the little bear talks to me more at night. Sometimes it's constant ... all through the night. There's meaning to the rhythm and timing of the messages.

I am sure of it.

The little bear only knows one sentence.

I love you THIS much !

Powerful ... important words.

For now, I am choosing to believe ... each time the little bear speaks ... it's because someone important to me ... is thinking about me ... maybe even allowing a little

MJ make-believe to come alive in their own hearts ...

You see, I'm pretty sure that I am not the only one who plays that mind-tricking-the-heart game ... especially in the still of the night ...

The little bear does occasionally speak to me during the day ... like first thing in the morning ... or when I am working from the house ... or when I return from the

busyness of my day.

Just more often ... in the dark ... in the wee hours ...

And I wonder ... does the little bear speak ... when no one's around to hear ?!?

Triggered magically by someone's heartfelt thought ... words hanging in the air of an empty house ... waiting for me to hear them ... in my own heart ... upon my return.

The whole thing reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode. Little bear proclaims ... outloud ... the desire of MaryJane's heart. A baby-monitor ... of sorts ... channeling messages from a real live person in an imaginary relationship ... a fairy tale she is about to put

out-on-the-curb ... letting go ... before it's time ...

... ok, so maybe there's a little bit of life left in that one ...

It's a great story. And I will tell it ... when I am sure

what it all means ...

Home is where your heart is ... open your heart ...

find your home ...

Run, MJ! Run!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c)september 2011

Mo' Deeper

2011-09-19T11:27:00.003-05:00

It has come to my attention recently ... that ... I am nothing but a ... poser.

Yep. A "Wanna-be" ... that's me ... for real.

... pretending to be living the life I want to be living ... when actually ... it's simply on hold.

A month or so ago, I decided to declutter my house ... and my life. It's not the first time that I have had the notion to do that ... and I am sure it won't be the last. What's important is that a little progress is made each time.

So, this time I decided that I was going to sell all of the random stuff I have hanging around on ebay. At least one item a day is to be listed ... on average ... some days a whole bunch ... other days not.

It's been fun so far ... and so amazing what people actually buy!

One of the first unnecessary things I discovered was the cute little hamster wheel. It sat in my office ... the last "real" office I had ... taunting me ... reminding me of the life that I wanted to be living ... full of adventure ... spontaneity ... fun.

Hamster wheel races ... if there was ever such an event ... I'd be a gold medalist. Why, I 'd probably set a world's record for the fastest pace ... while racing my heart out ... to nowhere.

Figured I didn't need that hamster wheel anymore. I had deliberately taken that the first step ... and walked away from the routine and mundane ... when I cleared out that office.

The hamster wheel.

It's been hanging out in the garage in a box of stuff from my old office ... that I have just now ... unpacked ... after a couple of years or so.

It was the very first item I listed on ebay. I was sure it would be one of those things that would sell quickly. Bargain priced it, after all. And technically, it's never been used ... only in a figurative fashion.

Metaphorically.

It didn't sell. Not the first time ... or any of the other three times I've put it out there. Imagine that.

And that's when I realized that ... I was pretending ... to be living the life I want to be living ... when actually I am still hanging out ... there ... stuck ... in the hamster wheel.

Sure, the view's a little different ... from time to time. I keep moving the little wheel around ... then run in place ... as if I am getting somewhere.

Truth is, I am really not ... getting anywhere.

... and I wonder ... is it better to be Avis, the second sled dog back ... with a never-changing view but covering ground ... actually going somewhere? Or to be the independent hamster ... in the stationery wheel ... with view changes based on random mobility ... heart pumping & legs racing ... yet still never getting anywhere?

A friend from my once-upon-a-time past posted a message to me on Facebook yesterday. Spunky ... outspoken ... always moving in a rhythm uniquely her own ... here's what she wrote:

I've been active lately with a Chimpanzee Sanctuary, and I dreamed last night that you were bitten by a monkey. Could've been the pre-sleep vodka, but I feel I'd be kinda irresponsible not to warn you. Beware of unusual monkey behavior for the next couple of days. Bwahahaha. The dream part is actually true.

It was so like her ... and it made me smile!

All of the different monkey dream interpretations wrap around the idea that you shouldn't take life too seriously. One says if you are a woman, dreaming of a monkey has something to do with a large, handsome man in your life. She has never taken life too seriously ... and that man ... well, he found her a few years back ...

No surprises there.

Still since I was the one who got BIT by the monkey in her dream ... seemed like a good idea to see what that means ...

Being bitten in a dream brings to a close emotions and fears about vulnerability from something threatening or unresolved. The trigger event is signified by what is doing the biting.

I had a vivid dream of my own ... that very same night ... it involved bleeding ... but not from a monkey bite ... here's what I discovered about it:

Your dream indicates that you are releasing your pent-up tension and worry. It signals an end to the difficult times and the beginning of relaxation.

Do the math. 1 + 1 = 2

The little bear has been speaking ... randomly ... & often this weekend: I love you THIS much ... the message never changes ... just the frequency.

I went to find this photo ... it used to be the wallpaper on my computer ... at work ... in the same office ... where the hamster wheel taunted me ... it taunted me, too.

Hamsters gone wild ... now that's the life I want to be living!

... gotta run ... putting that hamster wheel out there ... again ... because, you see, I HAVE witnessed a preponderence of unusual monkey behavior ... recently ...

It's a call to action ...

Take down the walls ... change the scenery ... move forward instead of running in place ...

It's time to step out ... to be done talking about the adventure ... time to start living it ...

No. More. Hamster Wheel.

Not sure where I am going ... not in a hurry to get there ... it's the journey that matters ... after all ... not the destination.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Back Seat Driver

2011-08-18T13:30:00.002-05:00

For weeks now, I've had the weirdest sensation when I'm driving. I drive a lot. It's at least 20 minutes from where I live to most anywhere I go. I spend a lot of time on the highway.

At times, I will be cruising along ... deep in thought ... or singing really loud ... with the top down when I realize that I'm seeing the road from a somewhat different perspective. It's as if I am looking over my shoulder ... from the back seat ... watching me drive but it's not really me ...

An out-of-body-experience kind of thing.

It's not really scary. Actually it's peaceful & comforting. Just a bigger-picture view ... through the windshield ... as the scenery changes.

A week ago ... it was Monday ... I settled in to watch a screener of a movie that had been sent to me by some people that I don't know ... that aren't even from Arkansas. I had had it for a few days but had purposely waited until I had a block of time ... that could be uninterrupted.

The name of the movies is HAPPY NEW YEAR. It blew me away. Not sure where exactly ... in the story ... that the tears started flowing ... but by the time the final scene faded to the credits ... my face was wet from my silent tears ... and the emotions were so strong ... so deep ... that I was physically shaken. You see ... it's a movie ... about touching lives ... and making a difference.

... and there was a line from a song ... that kept playing over and over ... in the back of my mind ... I realized that I had been hearing it ... under the dialogue on the screen ... without being aware of it. It wasn't a part of the soundtrack on the dvd ... it was part of the soundtrack in my head ...

.... in the end ... only kindness matters ...

(Hands by Jewel)

Not sure when it started playing ... probably about the same time ... the tears started flowing.

I took a few minutes of silence ... then I spoke outloud ... to my best friend ... because He's always in hearing range ...

Forgive us.

That's all I could think to say. And then I went to find the song ... because I really couldn't remember the rest of the words. Imagine my surprise when I pulled up the official video ... and the opening scene was watching through the windshield ... as if over the shoulder ... of Jewell (or me) ... driving ... windshield wipers ... wiping away the rain ... as if they were tears.

Haunting. That was the word I used to describe the movie ... and the feeling stayed with me ... for most of the rest of the day.

It was later in the evening ... that the call came. Someone that I care a lot about ... was standing on the sidewalk ... surrounded by family ... friends ... and strangers. Watching. As her world went up in flames.

I am pretty sure it felt like an out-of-body experience ... to her ... from where she was standing.

In the days since a-week-ago-Monday ... I can't even begin to count the number of times we've said that she ... lost everything ... in the telling of the story ... the sharing of the news.

Everything ... except her beautiful daughter ... her lively little dog. Everything ... except her bright spirit ... her confident faith. Everything ... except her friends.

It's hard to fathom ... starting out a new day ... with absolutely nothing ... other than the clothes on your back ... until it happens to you ... or you witness it firsthand in the life of someone you love. You think you know ... but really ... you don't.

Friends rolled up their sleeves ... waded in and out of the pouring rain ... sorted through smoke filled stuff ... searching for any pieces of life-as-she-knew-it ... that could be salvaged. Strangers showed up with boxes ... food ... cold drinks ... trucks ...

Whatever was needed ... was provided ... at exactly the right time. The outpouring of love, support, assistance ... of kindness ... has been a tremendous blessing to all who have been a part of this story.

A restoration of faith in people ... more than one has made that observation ... and the song is still playing in my head ...

.... in the end ... only kindness matters ...

(Hands by Jewel)

This morning I sat down to write. Before I started, I went back to the official video of the song. I was fully prepared for the images ... you know, the haunting opening scene of Jewell driving ... and me watching over her shoulder ... from the backseat ... I had already been blindsided by that one ... last week ... today it was just the words ... I wanted to be reminded of the words ...

And once again ... the tears are flowing ... not sure when they started .... probably about the time the view shifted from the windshield ... to what was going on outside of the car ...

Am I really so self-absorbed that I had forgotten ... the rest of the visual story? Or is it just one more of those gentle nudges ... drawing me back ... to something important ... somethat that I'm not supposed to miss?

Walking wounded. Everywhere. In my circle friends. In the circles that are touched by my ripples ... by their ripples ... as the impact of our words and actions ... flow beyond our vision ... past the windshield ... as people everywhere ... are either trapped inside the burning walls of their hearts ... or are standing on the sidelines ... as their world crashes ... and they think ... they've lost everything.

Other stories have unfolded ... in the lives of people that I care about ... over the last week. Silly, shallow stories in comparison. He said. She said. Everyone likes me better than you ... or you ... or you. Nanana boo boo. Whatever.

Friendship ... that's the common theme in all of the stories ... of the past week ... of life. And I've given a lot of thought to what it means to be a friend ... what it means to have a friend.

My friend who lost everything is the kind of friend who gives everything.

It's really no surprise that when the going got rough ... it was revealed that she had the best friends ... ever. That's what I told her ... of course, she didn't need me to tell her ... she got it all on her own.

And I wonder ... what if it had been me?!? Have I been the kind of friend who has selflessly given to others? If I lost everything, would anyone show up to help me sort through the ashes? If I came face-to-face with the "what comes around" from my "what goes around" would I like the reflection?

Sunday after church, we got all the way to McDonalds before Donald started talking to me about the grasshopper. He said it was on the car again. I reminded him that that was LAST Sunday. He persisted ... annoyed & agitated. I was equally frustrated.

You see, I am ashamed to admit it ... but I had allowed myself to get mentally caught up in the superficial drama. It was distracting me from ... what was really important.

Arms crossed and a little bit angry, he asked me if I wanted him to SHOW me the grasshopper. I said sure ... go ahead. That would put an end to the senseless conversation. Once and for all.

I was looking through the windshield. No grasshopper there. Surely he could see that, too.

He unbuckled his seat belt and climbed out of the car. Looking back at me ... from the other side of the windshield ... he pointed to the little indention where the windshield wipers rest ... and sure enough ... there was a grasshopper.

Donald says it was the same one ... from the week before ... anything's possible, I guess.

The next day ... Monday, again ... I had coffee with my mom. She'd been on vacation. So she told me her stories ... and I told her mine. Not sure why, but I told her about the grasshopper ... both encounters. She mused that she wasn't sure that she had ever actually seen a grasshopper up close.

I told her I would send her the story about the first grasshopper ... and what I discovered from that encounter. (Hoppin' A Ride) We both smiled.

Headed out the door ... reached over to put my things in the car ... the top was down, of course ... and came face-to-face with a ... backseat driver.

He was just hanging out there ... waiting on me. It caught me by surprise ... and I called to my mom ... because I certainly didn't want her to miss the opportunity ... to see a grasshopper .. up close ... and personal.

Not sure what to make of it all ... Everyone who knows me knows I don't believe in coincidences. And, yes, I think things happen for reasons. My experience has been that the real reasons are never the shallow, surface ones ... and probably most of the time we never actually discern what the real reasons were at all.

And 2 ...10 ... or 100 people can all be witnessing the same thing ... experiencing the same events ... and every single one of them comes away with a different account ... a variety of interpretations ... and lessons learned that were uniquely their own.

I have no idea why it was her house ... that the lightning struck. Or why the grasshopper has moved from the other side of the windshield ... to the backseat ...

I do know that my life has been forever changed by the experiences.

... in the end ... only kindness matters ...

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Hoppin' A Ride

2011-08-04T10:59:00.001-05:00

Leaving church on Sunday ... I was feeling ... sort of in a funk. I guess that's as good of a word as I can come up with to describe it. Something weird happened ... during church ... and I was feeling unsettled ... a little
off-balance ... confused.

Actually ... the whole weekend had been a little awkward and uncomfortable ... as it often is when emotions that have been hidden away for a long time ... start demanding to be seen ... to be heard ... to be dealt with ... once and for all.

So as we were ... settling into the car ... on our way to pick up burgers for lunch. I turned the key and looked up. There he was ... perched prominently on the windshield ... with his back to me ... hopping a ride ... as if to say ...
you don't matter ...

Yeah ... like I needed the grasshopper to tell me ... that ...
I didn't matter.

Jessi & Donald got really excited about the grasshopper on the windshield. They thought it was very cool ... and as we rode along ... they got more & more tickled by him.

Not sure how I know it was a "him" ... somehow I can't seem to imagine a grasshopper being a "she" ... but there must be some of both, I guess ... or the world would be devoid of grasshoppers.

As we rode down the highway between Ward & Cabot ... we were traveling at speeds that are common on secondary roads ... outside the city limits. And the silly grasshopper ... just sat there ... enjoying the scenery ... and the ride.

I imagined him feeling the wind blowing his hair back ... totally abandoned to the moment. As if grasshoppers have hair.

I don't know much about grasshoppers. My first thought was of Jiminy Cricket. But he was ... a cricket ... not a grasshopper. Crickets are somewhat related to grasshoppers ... but not really.

Crickets are mostly know for incessant chirping ... music to some ... annoyance to others. Fighting, partying all night & "plowing a lot of fields" as one friend commonly referred to it.

So, you see. There is a difference.

Grasshoppers make up their own dance steps and groove to their own special melody. Moving to it's own unique rhythm and tune makes the grasshopper an advocate of intuition ... reminding us to listen to our inner voices. He encourages us to listen to the stirrings of our hearts ... to act on our promptings.

Grasshoppers pretty much keep to the ground. And they teach us things about being grounded like patience, stability, security. So it was pretty darn amazing that he was up there on my windshield ... enjoying the ride.

Guess someone told him it was time for him to ... go. Or maybe He was telling me ... again.

Grasshoppers choose to visit those of us who are innovators, forward thinkers & those who progress through life in unorthodox manners. I didn't make that up. I found it ... and a lot more ... when I googled about grasshopper lore .

Grasshoppers recognize tremendous leaps of faith, impressive jumps ahead and constant forward momentum. Wow!

... and to think, this grasshopper choose me ... and my windshield ... for his Sunday afternoon drive.

Maybe his riding with his back to me really had nothing to do with indifference. Maybe he was just wanting me to figure it out for myself. Reminds me of the old sled dog joke ... about the view never changing unless you are the lead dog ... not sure why ... guess maybe ... it has to do with a change in scenery ... or a new view on things ... perhaps.

He rode along for quite some time ... taking it all in ... before choosing his spot ... to hop off ... into a new place ... that looked promising to him ... somehow.

The choices before me ... at the moment ... are much like that ... each one will involve a great leap ... into new & unfamiliar territory.

Grasshoppers have two large eyes ... and three smaller eyes. The large compound eyes are made up of many separate lenses ... that all work together ... to form the big picture. Those are the eyes the grasshopper uses to see things.

Scientists aren't sure how a grasshopper uses it's smaller eyes.

Maybe those smaller eyes are the ones that look inward ... seeing things intuitively ... beyond what the concrete world holds ... seeing the world with childlike wonder.

According to legend ... grasshoppers show up when we are longing for adventure ...when are ready to get out of the rut we've been stuck in ... when we are ready to find a little magic.

Pretty sure it was no coincidence that grasshopper showed up on my windshield ... exactly when I needed ... a word of encouragement.

I don't believe in coincidences ... everyone who knows me ... knows that.

Good luck and happiness ... to the Chinese. Nobility and immortality ... to the Greek. Messages of glad tidings ... to the Native American. Seriously. Grasshoppers are harbingers of good news ... and the person who crosses paths with a grasshopper will receive "profoundly joyful news".

Things are unfolding ... gradually ... neatly ... without fanfare ... the way things that have real meaning are want to do.

Impatiently ... has given way to ... patiently ... waiting ... for what's coming next.

You're almost there, MJ ... get ready to jump!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Stones ...

2011-08-03T12:15:00.004-05:00

It started with a photograph ... taken by a friend.

It's odd, don't you think, to refer to people you don't know ... have never met ... as friends ... because somehow you connected through social media ... and presto change-o ... you become friends ... at least by today's standards.

This one may be a little different, though. It's too soon to tell.

He takes pictures of stones. Beautiful photographs of walls ... and cliffs ... and little piles of rocks. Natural formations that stand the test of time. Longlasting ... well worn ... bearing the marks of weather ... harsh sun ... and storms.

If he understands ... stones ... then maybe ... he understands
other important things as well.

.... proper credit ... for the photograph ... to Thomas Watt ...

"The logic of painting the stones escapes me ..."

That was the caption he posted when he shared the photo. The image immediately resonated with me ... and his musing was thought provoking
as well ...

You see, they looked like rocks to me ... not stones.

Stones ... well, stones are something entirely different. Either way ... I get it ... the paint on the rocks ...

The blue paint ... is really simple. There was no logic. It was just random ... an accident ... the residual outcome of a decision to change ... something ... by someone ... somewhere ...

No real thought was given to the spatter ... I mean, seriously, they carried it outside to spray the bright, cheerful blue on whatever it was ... that way they really didn't have to be too careful ... as they put a fresh face on something that had become worn & tired ... there was nothing there that could be damaged by the cover-up ... after all ...

It was just a bunch of rocks. Or maybe, as he said ... they were stones.

Right away, I had to go look it up. The difference between rocks ... and stones.

According to webster.com, a stone is "a concretion of mineral matter: rock". That's the "A" part of the definition ... the "B" part says ... "a piece of rock for a specified function".

Stones ... are special like that ... they have purpose.

Concretion was an interesting word so ... naturally... I looked it up ... too.

Concretion = something concreted.

No surprise there. It goes on to say that a concretion is "a hard usually inorganic mass like a bezoar found in a living thing" ... and then onto the "B" definition ... "a mass of mineral matter found generally in rock".

Stones ... are hard, inorganic masses ... with specific purposes ... found inside ... rocks.

Like a bezoar. Of course. Everyone knows about bezoars.

A bezoar is "any form of calculi found in the gastrointestinal organs" ... and here's the best part ... a bezoar ... is "believed by some ... to possess magical properties" ...

So stones ... are magic rocks. Now we're getting somewhere.

And rocks are ...

The noun definitions ... in the order they are offered ... have to do with motion ... then music ... then a reference to a distaff. A distaff refers to wool & flax ... it goes on to say it means ... a woman's work.

Maybe that's why I saw rocks ... in what he called stones.

I had to click on the fourth noun entry before I got to a definition that had any geological reference. A rock is ... "a large mass of stone forming a cliff, a promontory or a peak". And then the "B" definition ... "a concreted mass of stony material".

Makes you wonder ... which came first ... the stone? Or the rock?

My friend ... the one who didn't get the shallowness of the paint ... but had the eye for the well-worn beauty beneath ... in the rocks ... the stones ... the journey. He said it was ok for me to share his photograph here ... as long as I gave him ... proper credit.

I assured him ... that ... I always give ... proper credit ... for work done well.

You see, it's not everyone that goes a little deeper ... below the surface ... beneath the paint ... too see the magic. Whether it's a rock ... or a stone ... or a living thing ... the magic ... it's always ... waiting to be found ... within.

Recently another friend of mine had a birthday. It was a significant one. This is a friend that's been wandering in out of my life for over 20 years ...
a real-live, hug-ya-when-I-see-ya friend.

So for his birthday, I gave him a jar full of rocks. No wait ... I think maybe they were stones ... because they were special. In the jar were large rough ones ... some shiny, polished ones ... and some that were more like pebbles. Pebbles are simply small, well-worn ones.

There was a message that went along with the gift. About counting your blessings ... your Saturdays ... the good things in life.

It was a bit of risk ... to give him something ... like that ... I guess. He's a guy, after all. Still. He gets it. And now every week, he spends a few minutes pondering ... his life ... his choices ... what's important ... what's stood the test of time ... what lies ahead ... as he takes a stone out of the jar. He has decided to put each remembered rock into another jar ... establishing a balance of some sort.

Last week he told me that some of his rocks were missing ... out of the emptier jar ... the one that he's moving them into ... one week at a time. Seems his grandson has been helping him out ... returning the stones ...
to the original container.

Buying him a little more time. A few more Saturdays. That's what he said. It made me smile. And offers me so much hope ... to think that his grandson ... gets it ... at such a young age.

"You are hanging on to too many things, MaryJane."

As soon as He said it ... I knew it was true ... and that it was time. So the last week I have begun the process of clearing out clutter ... sorting through stuff ... and I came across that pesky little rock ... the one that was offered up as a replacement ... by a friend ... who accidently threw away the REAL magic rock ... that I found out there in her yard.

She really didn't get it ... not the magic rock thing ... not the friend thing ... either. Still somehow she got the magic ... and I got the rock ...
the phony, replacement one.

.... it sort of makes you wonder ... is the magic really real ... for those who don't believe? Or will it turn out to be yet another be-careful-what-you-wish-for story? Things are never really as they seem.

The stone pondering ... it's been deep ... and very personal. Lots of things have been taken out ... considered ... examined ...

"It's time to go, MJ."

Another prompting ... urge ... that's getting stronger & stronger. Not sure what that means ... or where it is ... that it's time for me to go. All I can do is prepare ... for the next part of the journey ... as best I can.

So a few of the rocks I have unearthed ... re-discovered ... are going to be hanging around a bit longer. Some with a bright, new look ... a fresh coat of paint. Like the ones in the photograph. Others plain & simply ... themselves.

They make great paperweights ... doorstops ... and most likely will be essential to any really satisfying water-feature. Others ... well, in some cases ... they are no longer meaningful ... or useful. Their time has past.

So I am letting those go ... leaving them behind. Some will remain part of those sturdy walls ... the ones that I have followed all the way to where they end ... they just stop ... unexpectedly. The walls that I no longer need ... to protect me from things over there on the other side ... things that might sneak up on me ... catching me offguard ... unprepared ... ill-equpped to protect myself ... the walls that have been separating me from the life I want to be living ...

My friend ... the one with the keen eye ... he has some photographs of a wall ... exactly like that ... he's good ... very good.

I am winning the battles within ...
so there's no need to fear the enemies ... without.

Others are simply being scattered along the path ... to what's coming next ... waiting for whoever stumbles upon them next ...& picks them up ...

And a few ... deserve something more .. than casual dismissal.

Those are my skipping stones ... flying through the air ... as I fling them ... then dancing across the water ... wonder how many lives will be touched by the ripples ...

... magic rocks ... that's what they are ... stones.

... and bein' lost is worth the comin' home ...

La la la la la la la la la ... on ... stones ...

~ Stones by Neil Diamond

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Pea Pickin'

2011-07-19T22:28:00.002-05:00

It was hot over the weekend. Really hot. Perfect pea pickin' weather.

At least that's what Aunt Julia would have said.

Purple hull peas. If peas were pennies ... we'd all be overflowing with wealth ... from decades of pickin' ... Aunt Julia's peas.

Interesting ... just looked up "wealth". It means "abundant supply".
Hmmm ... wonder when it became a term that repesented "money" ... or today's translation ... "being rich" ...

Yes, I said "rich"... having "high quality or value". ... richness is also about lushness, warmth, vibrancy, significance ... no real reference to money found there ... either ...

Ok ...webster.com also says that rich means "well-endowed" ...

Aunt Julia was rich ... beyond measure ... by any definition ... no doubt.

When my friend offered me the opportunity to pick peas ... in her garden while she was out of town over the weekend ... there was no way I could turn it down.

It conjured up so many memories ... not to mention, I gave my mom the last bag of Aunt Julia's peas months ago.

My friend only had two full rows ... and two short rows ... of peas. Pea picking is hot, sweaty, squatting & bending work ... so that was a plenty!

I remember Aunt Julia would head down to the bottom of the hill ... that's where her "garden" was ... at the bottom of the hill ... in the cooler hours of the morning. She would load up her "hog-mobile" with 5 gallon buckets ...
and get after it.

She loved her garden. She loved her peas ... best of all.

Pea pickin' ... it was a labor of love for her. It's hard for some to understand the work ethic of those born in the early 1900's ... I guess. There seem to be so many people today who don't undertand the concept of "work" at all.

Why in the world would she plant all of those rows of peas ... every spring ... year after year ... knowing that they would have to be picked in the hottest month of summer ... and that it was a back-breaking, grueling task?!?!

Gotta wonder about the sense in that.

Still ... Aunt Julia was faithful ... in her pea planting ... her pea picking ...

You never visited her that there wasn't a pot of peas on the stove ... the fruits of her labor ... just waiting to be served up ... along with a bit of love, encourgement, wisdom ... and more often than not ... a Jim Beam ... and a joke.

Rich. That's what a visit with Aunt Julia was ... always.

Loose, light colored clothing. That's what she wore to pick peas. There was that funny one-size-fits-all t-shirt that she was given one year for Christmas ... later in life. You know ... the one that has the curvatious body with the revealing bikini ... front & back ... designed to cover up a variety of sins ...

So she'd wear it down to the pea patch ... and from the road ... she was the hottest babe in the county ... as if she needed the t-shirt ... you see, Aunt Julia never lost her "curves"... and she wasn't much on "hiding her sins" ... either.

.Aunt Julia was a card-carrying "Professional HO-er" ... from way back. She showed me the card ... proudly ... in the midst of the hurt & confusion of my public "Ho-down". It was her way of letting me know how proud of ME ... she was ... always ... no matter what ...

... and that there was no shame in doing what you do ...
as long as you do it well.

There was comfort in discovering that ... doing the right thing ... was somehow ... a family tradition.

When her "Ho-ing" days were over ... she gave me the card ... for
safe-keeping. She never wanted me to lose sight of who I was ....
or where I came from ...

A long line ... or maybe just rows & rows ... of pea-pickin' ... Ho-ers.

She always wore a straw hat in the pea patch ... and she would stay down there way too long ... in our opinion ... in the heat. One year, someone gave her an old delapadated one ... that was painted up like a watermelon ... green brim all the way around ... and a red crown with little black dots painted on for the seeds.

Aunt Julia had a thing for watermelon things. Bowls, paperweights, picnic baskets ... I never really understood why ... but she did ... and I have a few of those things around my house now ... they remind me of her ...
they always make me smile.

Anyway ... that ole pea pickin' hat was there in the garage just before we cleaned it out for the last time. It was tattered & faded from the sun ... it had seen many-a-pea-pickin' day! Not sure what happened to it ... my guess is that it was one of the very first things tossed into the big dumpster ... by those who really didn't know ... or appreciate ...

... what it was worth.

If it would have been hanging in my garage ... I would have let Jessi wear it ... when she was helping to pick the peas on Saturday.

About two 5 gallon buckets ... that's what we came away with ... this time. Just enough peas ... to be worth something ... that's what I am thinking ...

So, yeah ... If peas were pennies ... we'd be overflowing with wealth ... or maybe it's worth ... you see ... worth is what Aunt Julia was always shelling out ... with all of those peas.

Since I was a little surprised at the definition I found for "wealth" ... I figured I should take a look at "worth" ... as well ...

... it means ... are you ready?!?! ...

worth ... it means ... "become" ...

Really ... if you don't believe me ... look it up!

Life is like pea pickin' ... it's really not so much about how many peas you pick ... it's about who you become as a result of your pea pickin' efforts ...

The worth of your efforts is only measured in money ... if that's who ... YOU ...
choose to become ...

And as for being rich ... well, it has nothin' to do with peas or pennies ...

So there you have it ... a little bit of Aunt Julia's pea pickin' wisdom ...
re-discovered ... on a hot July day.

Later in the evening, I began shelling the peas. Jessi wandered into the kitchen ... and returned with a little bowl. A creature of habit & routine. It was time for ice cream ... that was my guess.

That's when the little nudge came ... and the whisper ... "Guess again, MJ."

She sat down on the floor and reached for a handful of peas. Stunned, I asked ... "What's up with that?"

Shyly she ducked her head ... in true Jessi fashion. Anyone who knows Jessi ... knows exactly the look I mean ... it's the one that shows up ... just before she ventures forth ... hesitantly ... out of her comfort zone ...

Radiantly ... she smiled ...

"I'm just going to shell some peas.

I'm not in trouble, am I?"

Aunt Julia would be so proud!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Rainchecks & Resolutions

2011-07-02T10:51:00.000-05:00

It's going to be the best year ever!
Happy New Year!

That was the message I got ... in the very first minutes of 2011 ... from someone who is important to me ... someone who's place in my life ... remains ... undefined ...

It made me feel special ... in the moment ... so I thanked him for such a nice wish ... and the instantaneous response was ....

It's HIS will.

A surprise message from an unexpected source ... kinda sorta like a fun fortune in one of those cookies ... that's how my "new" year started ...

I have wandered through the days ... the weeks ... the months since then with that little tidbit tucked away in my heart ... and it pops up ... the thought of it ... all on its own ... an unexpected word of encouragement from an unexpected source.

The year has been full of stuff ... so far ... actually full of overwhelming stuff ... and I am not sure that I have reached a place yet ...that allows me to see clearly ... whether the outcomes are more positive or negative ... whether real progress is being made in my life ... in the lives of those who are most important to me ... or not ...

... not yet ...

There's been a lot of challenges ... pruning ... changes ... hurting ... healing. So my guess is that real progress IS being made ... time will tell ....

I've been learning things. That's for sure. Things about myself ... that may have always been part of who I am ... just dormant for a very long time. And maybe not. It's possible that some of these things are brand-new & fresh ...

Impatiently waiting patiently ... for what's coming next. I've been doing that for what seems like a very long time. Reality is ... it's only been as long as ... the blink of an eye ... the snap of a finger ... the flip of a switch from "off" to "on".

June 2011 will always be remembered by me ... as the waiting month. Waiting for the plumber ... waiting for the new dishwasher ... waiting for the cable man ... waiting on the old client ... waiting on new opportunities.

And for most of the year, I was simply waiting for June ... expectantly ... because of that pesky raincheck ... that was first offered over a single candle ... very early in the year.

There comes a time, you know, when there's too many candles ... it becomes harder & harder to determine which ONE is the one that counts ... the one you are supposed to make the wish on ...

So on this particular cake ... there was only one candle ... to keep it simple ... to make it easy to focus ... one candle ... one wish ... just before it was blown out the observation was made ... that possibly a little thought should be given to this one ... because it was just one wish ... and maybe it was important ...

... yeah ... maybe it was.

So the raincheck was offered up ... after the reality of the situation set in. A month or so later ... an attempt to redeem it was made ... on a snow day ...

"Not now ... not yet ... maybe in June" ...

Rainchecks are interesting things. They represent something that is offered ... that you think you want ... but when you go to get it ... it's somehow unavailable. And you wonder ... was it really available when the offer was put out there? ... Or was it just a gimmick to lure you in? ... To determine the level of interest .. the demand ... for what was being offered?

Sometimes ... if it's something you really want ... and are willing to wait for ... a raincheck is offered ... and accepted. It's the promise ... of an unrealized opportunity ... to be redeemed at some future date.

Rainchecks are generally received with enthusiasm ... with every intention of being used ... of enjoying whatever it is ... sometime in the not too distant future ... like June.

It's not uncommon, though, for them to be tucked away for safekeeping ... and forgotten ... only to be rediscovered at some much later time ... after the expiration date has come & gone.

At that point ... it is simply a flimsy reminder ... of an opportunity for something special ... that's been lost.

That's exactly what it feels like ... my raincheck that was given freely over a single candle ... validated on a snow day ... to be redeemed in June ... maybe ...

Turns out ... it was nothing more than a wish ... for a chance ... at something special ... that has never come to pass ... and I wonder, how long is "not yet"?

Just about as long as "maybe" ... I guess ..

June has ended ... July is here.

In the business world, July is often the beginning of the the NEW year .. the fiscal year ... the re-evaluating of public revenues & public debt ... that's what fiscal means ... somehow, I get that.

In my world ... July is the beginning of a new year, too. My life is lived out from one July to the next ... because lives begin on the day you are born ... and the days that make a year ... in a life ... are counted ... one-by-one ...
from that day forward.

I woke up yesterday ... it was the first day of July ... the first day after June ... and the first thought of the day was about that wish that was sent my way ... at the beginning of the traditional year ... about the best year ever ... and I was thinking ...

Yeah ... well not so much ... not this year ... not yet ...

Being the word snob that I am ... I decided this might be a good time to take a closer look at "best" because like so many other things in life ... quite possibly the meaning has been lost or distorted somehow ... along the way ...

... and sure 'nuff, I was right ...

best - excelling all others; most productive of good

...hmmm ... "most productive of good" ... that probably doesn't always mean ... easy ... or fun ...

Then it occurred to me that the wish was intended for MY new year ... not the new year of the rest of the world ... and MY new year doesn't start for a couple more days.

So I decided to sit down ... and review the resolutions I made for myself as this new year started ... to see where I am at ... with those ... and how far I still need to go ... to get there ... where I want to go ...
as MY new year begins to unfold.

Honest. Before I even had my first cup of coffee ... I was thinking about reviewing & re-establishing my New Year's resolutions.

I never make this stuff up.

Coffee in hand ... I decided to check my email ... before I took a look at those resolutions ...

Just a few minutes first ... for those positive messages that fill my inbox ... either because of subscriptions to things or forwards from friends ... and the daily readings of my horoscope that amuse me so much ... because God often uses them to poke ... and prod me ... by sending me surprise messages ... that affirm what He's already telling me ... from unexpected sources.

Cancer Friday, Jul 1st, 2011

Today's Solar Eclipse can be a harbinger of an energetic shift

within your family. You could bury your head in the sand and be totally surprised by what happens,

or you can co-create your future by living the change you seek.

Start by sitting down and writing a list of resolutions,
as if it is New Year's Day.

And I wonder anew ... why am I always surprised when He does that to me ?!?! Seriously. You'd think I'd see it coming ... by now ... but I never do ...

Not yet.

So I went back to my very first blog post of the year -
January 1, 2011 New Year's Resolutions - and here's what I found:

Choose happy ...
People before things ... always ...
Pray more ... wish less ...
Follow my heart ... whereever it leads ... at all costs ...

Be open to new adventures ...

Let someone in ... even if it hurts ...
Focus less on changing ... & more on being ... who I am ...

Don't lose sight of what's really important ---

like hand-holding & smiles ...

Embrace what's coming next with

joy & enthusiasm ...

Believe ...

Pretty sure I am going to stick with those resolutions ... and tomorrow ... I will make MY birthday wish ... it's not a secret ... what it's going to be ... it's the same wish that was offered to me on New Year's Day ... by someone who was on the verge of their personal new year ... at the time.

Sure hope they are grasping the concept of "most productive for good" as they continue to navigate their way through the changes ... resulting from that single wish ... made over the single candle ... because there's no doubt ... it is important.

... the best year ever ...

That's my wish. I am embracing it confidently. Because "It's His will". That's what my friend said. And I believe him ... and Him.

... it's a raincheck ... with NO expiration date ... I'll take it ...

yes, indeed ... all that & a bag of ... M&Ms ...

Happy Birthday to ME!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c)July 2011

Prayer Chains ...

2011-06-29T08:59:00.001-05:00

A beautiful gift. Given ... from the heart ... from one friend to another ...
so how did it get so messed up?!?

So quickly.

Jessi's boyfriend went on vacation. Upon his return, he presented her with a lovely necklace with charms & a locket. Jessi loves her lockets ... and Donald loves Jessi.

Problem is ... this necklace has three chains ... all connected to one clasp. So there's really no way that it isn't going to be tangled up ... every time she takes it off.

She got the necklace on Wednesday ... and on Thursday evening it took me more than a few minutes to get it back to it's original shape ... after she wore it to work ... to show her friends. I shared with her how to take it off carefully so that it wouldn't be all jumbled up again.

A couple of hours Friday evening ... and a couple more on Saturday morning ... that was all of the downtime I was going to have over the weekend. Barely enough time to get done all those weekend things that needed to be done ...done... much less have a bit of time for me.

Annoyed. That's what I was when Jessi handed me her necklace as soon as I got home on Friday. It was big ole knot of chains. Yep. I was annoyed. She was distressed. So there really wasn't any choice but to start ... de-tangling.

As I began to wiggle the little chains around ... over-and-under ... twist .. untwist ... trying to sort out the ins and outs of the knots ... that were inside of knots ... of the three chain mess ... my mind began to wander ...

First I thought of mazes ... labyrinths ... and then on to puzzles ... pondering ... mind wandering ... as I worried over that silly necklace.

It had been tiresome, troublesome week ... in a circle of friends ... that wasn't really mine. It struck me that the entire situation was much like the necklace jumble that I was meticulously unraveling.

It was such a simple idea. My birthday. A friend's birthday. One fun party combining an interesting mix of our closest friends. So how did it get so messed up?!? So quickly?!?

Hurt feelings ... all around ... and the fallout will linger on ... and on ... and on ...

Pretty much the whole evening ... was spent on the knotted up necklace ... and the birthday debacle ... before I knew it ... it was midnite ... there had been a texting frenzy in the midst ... finally i put the congomerate of tangles aside and called it a night.

Tired. I continue to be tired. Even though I have been finding rest all week. And then, frustrated ... that I had wasted those precious few hours ... worrying over the silly necklace.

In the dark, the whisper came ... "If you think it's silly, MJ, just maybe you have lost sight of what's truly important."

Just before falling asleep ... it occurred to me that detangling the necklace ... reminded me of those "worry" beads ... that some people carry around in their pockets. You know, to give them something to do ... nervously with their hands ... when life becomes overwhelming.

Woke up early on Saturday ... there was so much to get done before I became immersed in my obligations that would take up most of the weekend ... nonstop.

Picked up the necklace ...thinking ... surely in the light of day ... it will only take a little bit of time to finish sorting it out.

Yeah, right. A little bit of time.

I was sitting on the couch ... thinking about how hard it is to sort things out ... in life. The cable was out ... another Friday afternoon surprise ... because ... apparently if you don't go replace every television in your house ... with brand new digital ones ... then at some point ... you can't receive ANY of the channels ... that you are supposed to be getting ...

... and it happens with no warning.

So there I was ... talking outloud to myself ...

Imagine that, MJ. You have to get a NEW receiver ... to receive what's been yours all along. It's free. A hassle, yes ... and an inconvenience. Still it costs nothing ... but a little bit of time.

A NEW receiver = a new way of looking at things.

Another knot came free. By golly, I was making progress!

Jessi was watching old episodes of The Young & The Restless on her laptop. REALLY OLD ones.

It was the ones from the period of time when Cassie Newman dies after the carwreck. If you're not familiar with the show ... it would take ages to explain the storyline to you here. Long story short ... Cassie was like 13 or 14 ... she had a crush on Daniel who was old enough to drive ... she snuck out to a party because he was going to be there ... she, of course, wasn't even on his radar ... he got drunk & passed out in the backseat of his car ... Cassie decided that she should drive him home ... he was conveniently living with his mom in the guest house on Cassie's parents estate ...

Real life stories. That's what soap operas are ... yeah, right.

She doesn't know how to drive ... swerves off the road .. crashes ... she dies ... he lives ... and for weeks & weeks the focus of The Y&R was sorting out ... what happened ... who's fault was it ... afterall?!?

Whew! What a mess! And I am wondering ... as I unravel the necklace ... link by link ... why Jessi is so fascinated with that particular storyline ... it happened YEARS ago ... yet she would never let us tape over the VHS copy we made back in the days when we would record the stories ... and then watch them together ... as a family ... in the evening ... and now she has located those exact episodes on the internet ...

What's up with that?

So as the Newmans are all praying for Cassie ... my mind rejects the idea of worry beads ... because really I am not spending much time "worrying" these days ... and the thought came to me that maybe it ... my forced fascination with this necklace ... was more like a rosary ... Prayer beads.

Except this necklace has no beads ... just chains ... and I smiled ... that was it ... prayer chains.

Soon it was mid-morning ... and I had done nothing except work on the necklace ... I should have been anxious & restless ... but I wasn't ...

Another whisper ... "Take your time, MJ. There's no hurry. Really there's nothing so important that it can't wait until things are sorted out."

My thoughts drifted to my friend ... the one who's trying to navigate ... all of the changes ... in their life. Thought that was a fairly graphic & accurate description ... of what was going on ... over there in that life ... when it was offered to me recently.

Gut-wrenching ... habit-breaking ... real-live, honest-to-God soul searching ... change ...

Change is hard. Especially when it's the kind of change that involves getting to the heart of things ... getting to the heart ... of WHO you are.

It's possible to become lost ... even when you are on the right road ... heading to where you know you want to go ... that's the worst kind of lost, too ... cuz you never really saw the wrong turns .. when you took them ... they seemed to be the right ones ... at the time ...

... and then the finding of your way back ... to yourself ... well, it's hard ... and it hurts ... and it takes time ... to sort all of those confusing, conflicting things out.

Spent quite a bit of time on that one ... not worrying ... I had rejected the worry bead concept ... after all ...

I was praying ... over those chains ... and if you're my friend who's trying to navigate those changes in your life ... then know ... I was praying for ... you.

... and ... you ... and ... you ... and ... you ...

Because a whole bunch of my friends have similar stories.

Looked at the clock ... I barely had time to get a shower and on my way to the rest of my weekend ...
so I stuck the still tangled necklace into my purse.

Hard to believe I had spent ALL of my available time ... for the whole weekend ... on Jessi's necklace.

Much later in the afternoon ... when I finally had a few minutes ... to tackle the tangle ... again ... I allowed myself a heavy sigh ... and something that quite possibly sounded like a whine ...

Seriously. It really shouldn't be so hard ... or take so long ... to sort out the crossing ups ... and twisted turns ... in these chains.

Of course, He couldn't resist the opportunity for another friendly jab ... "When it's time, everything will simply shake out."

When it's time. Not yet. Of course. I've heard that one before.

Made up my mind not to become frustrated with the process ... I was simply going to keep working at out ... as time allowed ... knowing full well that no matter how tangled up it seemed ... eventually ... it would all shake out ...

I went about the rest of my day.

And sometime ... much later ... I pulled the necklace out ... began wiggling it all around ... puzzling & pondering ... trying to make sense of it all ...

Jessi loves Donald ... Donald loves Jessi ... nothing else really matters to them ... it's that simple ...

Right then, I pulled a piece of chain from over here ... through the loop ... to over there ... and with a shake ... all of the knots came free ...

Tangled ... became ... untangled ... just like that.

... and right on cue ... my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe .. delivered the punchline ...

"Ahhhh, MaryJane ... you're stubborn ... impatient ... maybe even a little pushy at times ... beautiful inside & out .. through & through . There are reasons I made you ... exactly that way.

Just be you ... others will love you, too.

It's really that simple!"

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Pigeon Poop

2011-06-15T09:49:00.005-05:00

Night before last, I had a dream. It was a little disturbing but not nightmarish.

I was outside ... not sure where.

I wasn't really doing anything ... just taking some time ... to be outside.
A flock of pigeons ... that IS what you call a group of pigeons, isn't it?!?! A flock?!?

Anyway ... a whole bunch of pigeons were overhead ... hovering ... not really flying ... just hanging out there ... above me.

And you guessed it ... they pooped on me.

Not just one ... or two ... pigeons pooped. It was the whole flock a-pooping ... seriously ... it was raining pigeon poop.

On me.

Not too surprising, I guess, to have a dream like that right now. Being showered by do-do ... and simply too tired to move ...

Truth is ... I AM tired ... exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally ...

There is no question that a change of pace is in order ... soon ... very soon.

Endurance ... that has been the goal ... the last few weeks. The race is on ... and, yeah, I admit that it's possible that I am attempting to run the relay ...
on my own ...

Each time a leg of the race is finished ... I reach the mark only to find that there is no one there ...
to accept the baton ... so I simply keep running ... to stay in the race ...

The choice is to quit ... midstream ... not finish what was started ... or to keep running ... pressing on ... pushing through the tiredness ... staying focused on the finish line ... ... reminding myself ... as I gasp for breath ... with every agonizing step ... that it's not about winning ... it's about finishing ...

Keep moving forward ... it's the only viable option.

... except maybe to ... stop.

And stopping. Well, it's not really any option. There's too much at stake.

So here I am ... at that place ... where you simply stop feeling ... conciously.

Something like auto-pilot, I guess. There's no thinking ... just doing ... instinctively. Maybe that's what runners feel ... when they push themselves ... beyond what they believe to be their limit ... runner's high.

When the body is put under stress, the mind responds accordingly.
And vice versa.

"Some may ask why I am running such long distances.

There are reasons. During the ultras I come to a point where my body is almost dead. My mind has to take leadership. When it is very hard there is a war going on between the body and the mind. If my body wins, I will have to give up; if my mind wins, I will continue. At that time I feel that I stay outside of my body. It is as if I see my body in front of me; my mind commands and my body follows. This is a very special feeling, which I like very much. . . It is a very beautiful feeling

and the only time I experience my personality separate from my body, as two different things."

~ Yiannis Kouros - who could be classified

as a legend in the world of Ultrarunning

That's pretty much where I am at ... running ... unconsiously ... exhausted mentally & physically.

Spiritually ... though ... I am uber-aware. It's been an amazing period of cool things ... answered prayers ... intimate intereaction with my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... whenever I find a bit of time to rest ... to relax ...

"Be still, MJ. Take some time for yourself. Spend it with Me. You will be refreshed. I promise." That's what He is whispering ...

ok ... He's doing more than whispering.

Simple things ... are making me cry ... lately. My feelings are so close to the edge right now. I cried in church on Sunday ... and then an hour or so later ... there I was in Kroger ... crying again ... as I found myself hugging a beautiful woman ... that I had never met and didn't know.

It has taken me over a week to write this blog. I have started ... stopped ... been interrupted ... & all the things I wanted to share ... now seem a little too personal ... a little too precious ... to "divide & distribute" ... here ...

And that's so unlike me.

To "divide & distribute" ... that's what "share" means ...as in an "acutal gift" ... I just looked it up. Kinda sorta surprised me.

That's what those pigeons were doing in my dream ... dividing & distributing ... sharing ... their poop ... generously ... with me.

Looked that up, too.

To dream of bird poop is a lucky omen, foretelling good fortune.

And as always, He had the last laugh ... or maybe it's the first laugh ... too tired to figure that one out ...

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time.

~John Lubbock

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) June 2011

Doors Wide Open

2011-05-25T08:27:00.001-05:00

Sitting on the porch ... drinking coffee ... and I realize that I am tired ...
all-the-way-to-the-bone exhausted. It's not really surprising, I guess ... with all of the busyness of the last few months ... still, somehow, it snuck up on me ...

So here I sit ... staring at the four sliding screen doors ... that are either stuck in their runners ... or have fallen completely off-track ... propped up or laying on the ground. A couple of them have been that way since the end of last summer.

And I am thinking ... what is it that I have been doing ... that's so much more important than taking care of these things ... at my house ?!?!

Seriously. Yesterday the front storm door's flapping finally unhinged me! Three minutes ... and a phillips head screw driver ... and I had that puppy handled. No big deal. So why did it take so long for me to take the three minutes ... to put an end to the annoyance ?!?

It's like all that carpet I ripped out last fall ... the upstairs ... has bare naked floors ... plain wood ...

... and I think ... one of these days .. I will get back to that.

And I know I will. When I am ready.

So what's up with that?!?! Why aren't I ready?!?

Maybe it's because this house ... really doesn't feel like home to me. I wish it did ... but it doesn't.

And that's really sad, because the spaces of the house are ideally suited to me... big kitchen ... fireplace ... porch ... living room large enough for the piano ... plenty of room for Jessi ... plenty of room for whoever I want to make plenty of room for ...

It was a fixer-up-er when we bought it ... that was the plan ... fix it up, make it our own ... it was going to be home. That never happened. And now, I know that I need to get on with the fixin' it up so that I can get on with the moving on ...

... with finding my home

It's time ... I know. Still I stall. Out of fear? Uncertainty? I'm not really sure ... I know that as long as I put off doing what needs to be done ... it's impossible for me to make a move ...

This morning, I am thinking ... that maybe I should get those doors back on their tracks ... start focusing on getting ready ... so that whenever what's coming next ... finally reveals itself ... I am not held back ...

Maybe what's coming next is actually being held up ... because of my lack of preparedness ...

Maybe I am impatiently waiting patiently ... for something to happen ... and the only thing standing in the way of me ... and the life I want to be living ... is ME.

My heart knows that change is coming. Actually, change has been banging on the doors for quite some time. Maybe that's how they have all found themselves offtrack ... unhinged ... demanding that I pay attention to the absence ... of doors.

Damaged doors ... forced open ... by the demands of change.

Doors open. People come in. Doors open. People go out.

A fat robin hops through the damp grass ... with big ole worm dangling from it's beak. And my rabbit is frisking about ... I smile.

It occurs to me ... again ... that all of my doors are ... well ... wide open.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) May 2011

Now, Which WAY Do We Go?

2011-05-22T21:17:00.003-05:00

Road maps ... are very cool things. A little archaic ... but still ... very cool.

When you first get one, it's all folded up nice & neat ... pressed flat ... about the size of a rack card. Generally, it's the person riding shotgun who gets the privilege ... the challenge ... of unfolding ... and reading the map.

There's something special about unfolding a map for the very first time. Untucking ... turning ... fanning out the paper ... until it's spread open ... as wide as the dashboard.

And the person in control of the map is rustling it ... crunching it ... trying very hard not to have his hand up under the nose of the driver ... while trying to manipulate the map down to a manageable size ... attempting to locate ... on the map .... where it is you are ... and where EXACTLY you are trying to go.

Generally, at some point, the map is then re-folded haphazardly ... into a square or a rectangle ... that bears no resemblance to the orginal factory-generated fold. It's easier that way. To hide from sight ... all of the other roads ... destinations ... to only look at the littler picture ...

It's less confusing that way.

Upon arrival, the roadmap is then stuffed into the glove compartment unceremoniously ... until the next time directions are needed. Most likely it isn't even unfolded ... from it's new configuration ... because everyone knows that any attempt to refold the map into it's original, pristine shape would prove to be impossible ... so why bother ...

Those were the days. The good ole days. Of roadmaps. And clear directions.

"Now, which way do we go?", Dorothy asked Toto. (Video link) At the crossroads ... of the yellow brick road ... AND ... the yellow brick road. Toto, of course, didn't know ... which way to go.

From high up on the pole, the Scarecrow responds ... "Of course, people DO go both ways" ... and, well, we all know what happens next ...
they follow the yellow brick road.

They didn't have a roadmap. Or any of today's navigational tools ... mapquest, GPS, onstar assistance ...

All they had to rely on was help from the new friends ... who were actually old friends ... they encountered along the way ... and the signs & messages that popped up ... from a variety of sources ... guiding them ...throughout their journey.

Signs & messages are fun. Almost as fun as roadmap folding.

Last week I was in Hot Springs ... exploring some possibilities for future projects ... looking for some signs ... as to what was coming next.

I took a little time to visit with a friend ... that I would love to be working with ... on something. We were sharing about the "which ways" in our lives ... right now ... and ... trying to figure out ... why it was ... that sometimes where we want to go isn't really where we seem to be heading .... or something like that ...

He is placing some dreams ... some goals ... some projects ... on the back burner ... because they don't seem to be making sense ... or falling into place ... at the moment.

... just a little bit of encouragement ... in that area ... would sure go a long way ... to keeping the faith ... that's what he said ... as he was rushing out the door ... with a promise of a little more time the next day ...

So I moseyed on over to see another friend ... an old friend ... whose glue gun has been riding around in the trunk of my car ... for a little over two years. During our visit, a random introduction was made ... me to another visitor in his store ... it's too soon to tell ... but I am pretty sure there wasn't anything random about it ... it was very cool ...

The next morning ... I shared the story over coffee ... and my discouraged friend stared at me wide-eyed ... and said, "Wow! How does something like that happen?" followed by "It's interesting how things like that always happen to you...."

It was a message ... to us both ... of encouragement .... of keeping the faith.

Wandered through the Cracker Barrel gift shop on my way out ... and there was a sign propped up against a counter ... it was a sign, all right ... and a SIGN ....

I didn't purchase it ... because it was a little pricey ... for words painted on a board ... figure I will make one of my own ... one of these days ...

Still, the message wasn't lost on me!

Later in the week ... a group of people that I have become close to over the last year ... reached their defining moment ... of a year's worth of work & effort. You know, that moment when everything that you have done is put to the test ... and you have no way of knowing how things will turn out ... until it's all tallyed up.

Ever had one of those moments?!?!

You know you've done the right thing ... even when it's hard ... you've made the tough choices ... stuck by your morals & values ... taken a beating or two ... wondering if any of it was really worth it ?!?

And then by the closest of margins ... right prevails. And you know in an instant ... that either way ... it would have been ok ... with you ... because character really does count.

There was no celebration. Just back to business as usual. The next day, lunch was brought in ... chicken with garlic sauce ... and a fortune cookie.

Cracked it open ... and there waiting for me was the SECOND best fortune I have ever received in a cookie from a Chinese restaurant ...

Hallelujah!

A simple message. Just one word. No doubt it was meant for me.

On the way to a picnic yesterday a text exchange took place between me ... and someone that is important me ... but is not really fitting into my life ... not yet.

At times ... I am prompted to send him a word of encouragement ... it's always specific ... even though I have absolutely no idea what's really going on over there in his life ... the prompting is always so strong that I have no choice but to send the message ... even though it feels silly ... foolish ... awkward ...

So, obediently, I said what I was prompted to say. It took a little while ... but eventually he responded.

He: Thank u !

Me: For ???

He: Msg's.

Stunned. And amazed. I was.

All week I have been pondering on the signs & messages ... the now-which-way-do-we-go's ... and out-of-the-blue ... someone says ... to ME ...
"thanks for the messages!"

It was a humbling ... and an encouragement ... all wrapped up in 10 characters or less ...

Later in the afternoon ... I stood in a circle ... holding hands with two of the most important people in my life ... in a beautiful place ... surrounded by virtual strangers ... and we all prayed ... together ... outloud ...

Our Father

Who art in heaven

Hallowed be Thy name ...

Knowing full well that 6 p.m. was going to roll around ... and even though it was May 21, 2011 ... we were ALL going to be "left behind" ....

We were "raptured" ... nonetheless ...

That's right. We were. Looked it up. Just to be sure. Either definition works for me.

rapture:

a: a state or experience of being carried away by overwhelming emotion

b: a mystical experience in which the spirit is exalted to a knowledge of divine things

The Bible is full of stories where God says He's going to do something ... and then when He does exactly what He said He was going to do ... it doesn't look anything at all like what the people of the day thought it was going to look like ...

So even though I know that the Bible clearly states that no man will know the day or the hour of Christ's return ... who's to say ... that RAPTURE isn't already taking place ...

... and just not visible ... to our human eyes ...

... maybe it's taking place in our hearts ... right now ...

... it's our souls, after all ... that He's after ... not our physical bodies.

Rounding out this amazing week ... Iit seems that the little bear has been talking outloud again. (Read the story, Bear Hugs) This time ... he wasn't talking to me. Still, it's hard to dispute the message ....
I love you THIS much!

Fourteen times in an hour. That's what was reported to me.

He's been sitting there on the shelf ... in that room ... for months ... waiting for exactly the right time ... to offer up his hope & encouragement.

One thing's for certain ... He's persistent. When He is pursuing a relationship with you ... a relationship that will allow you to have your whole heart back.

Open your heart ... Hear His voice ... He's talking to you ... it's personal ... once you begin to hear His voice nothing in your life will ever be the same ... again.

How many times do you have to be told you are LOVED before you get it ... before you allow yourself to feel it ?!? If fourteen times isn't enough ... I am pretty sure that the message will come around again ... when you least expect it ... when you need it the most.

Now which WAY do we go?

Doesn't really matter if we have a roadmap ... or a GPS ... or compass ... as long as we listen with our hearts ... as long we are paying attention to the signs & messages along the way ... as long as we are willing to walk awhile with others who share our road ... as long as we hold hands with friends, old & new, as we pray for direction ...

Just follow the yellow brick road ... it's the road that leads to nowhere ... it's the road that leads you home ... doesn't matter which WAY ... really ... it doesn't ... because every road takes you to where it is you are going ... eventually.

I love you THIS much!

It's a way of life ...

Hallelujah!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) May 2011

Floodwaters ...

2011-05-15T19:50:00.001-05:00

God willing ... and the creek don't rise ...

That was one of my dad's favorite phrases. And it has been running through my head ever since the rains began a month ago.

I know that it means with good luck ... and no major problems ... there will be success in whatever is undertaken. It is definitely a postive statement of hope & encouragement.

Offering up encouragement. That's been the theme of my life lately.

But the creek ... it has been rising. Inevitablely.

With only a little warning ... the rains came. And when that much rain comes down ... in torrents ... you have unusual consequences.

Flash flooding is the most immediate. It comes quickly and recedes slowly.

More serious, though, is the creek-rising type of flooding. It occurs when runoff from sustained rainfall exceeds the capacity of the rivers, streams, or other bodies of flowing water.

My experience with traditional flooding is that it always catches you by surprise. The storm has passed. The sun is shining. And you are thanking your lucky stars that somehow you were spared ... this time.

And then, out-of-the-blue ... that dad-gum creek ...it's a-rising!

It comes slowly ... and lingers ... and lingers.

Even if you live close to the water ... the rising water ... creeping slowly ... then suddenly rushing in and washing away .your life as you know it ... it always comes as a surprise.

There has been a lot of discussion about the rain. References to the 40 days and 40 nights ... Noah ... and such. It was interesting to me how many of my informed & enlightened friends posted comments on their status' that said things like .... "Guess maybe I should build an ark" ... in response to the rain.

Seriously. Didn't they know that building an ark after the rain was falling ... was an effort in futility?!?! Best guess ... is that it took Noah something like 50-75 years to build the Ark !!

And remember ... God gave him explicit instructions ... to build a BOAT ... way in advance ... to sustain his family & the animals ... during a flood ... in a time when NO RAIN had ever fallen.

Think about it. God says build a boat because I am going to wash away the wickedness in the world with floodwaters.

Noah: Floodwaters?!?!

God: Yes. It's going to rain.

Noah: What is rain?

God: Wait & see. Do you trust Me?

Noah: Yes. Lord. Use me.

... knowing full well that he didn't have a clue what rain was or what God was planning to do.

Damage ... devastation ... troubles ... that's what most of us associate with flooding. People that have been victims of flooding ... pretty much lose everything ... then start over ... with nothing ... and life is never really the same ... ever ... again.

One common fatal mistake people make is driving through flood waters. Did you know that 66% of all flood-related deaths are caused by that one

head-strong, stubborn navigational error ?!?

It's true during the natural disaster that is flooding.

It's true in the emotional disasters of life.

Many of my friends are besieged by flood waters. Not the ones caused by the recent storms. That's a blessing, for sure.

It's the creek-of- life-rising that's overtaking my friends. And, you guessed it, they think they are still in control ... somehow ... insisting on driving through the flowing water.

Guess they don't realize that just 6 inches of rapidly moving floodwater can knock a person down ... a mere 2 feet of water can float a large vehicle even a bus. Honest. It's true. One-third of flooded roads and bridges are so damaged by water that any vehicle trying to cross stands only a 50% chance of making it to the other side.

A 50/50 chance. Not the best odds, I'm thinking. Unless you're feeling extremely lucky.

Lucky. That's how I was feeling on Friday. It was Friday the 13th. And I felt ... lucky. All day. It was a sense of well being ... security ... a knowing that all was right in my world. Of course, feeling lucky caused me to be a little bit expectant ... you know ... like something good was going to happen ... without warning.

And right on cue. Something DID happen ... or maybe it simply revealed itself ... a delayed reaction ... in response to all of the rain ...

And since then ... I've spent quite a bit of time ... moving the pieces around ... pondering ... seeing what fits ... what doesn't ... wondering ... how much room is there in my Ark ...

Actually ... the ME in me ... is still puzzling over ... where the lucky is hiding ... at the end of the day ...

This morning, I had a serious talk with my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe. It wasn't feeling like one of those humorous moments ... when God, greatly amused by me, was going to be ... laughing uproariously.

MJ -- Used. That's how I'm feeling.

God -- Imagine that, MJ. You feel USED ?!?!

MJ -- It sucks to feel USED.

God -- Isn't that what you asked for ?!!? Seriously, MaryJane.

It's an answered prayer !!!

MJ -- Whatever, God. I would never pray for that ...

God --- Hmmmm ... Didn't you say "Take my life, Lord. USE me" ?!?!

MJ -- Well, yeah ... but that's different.

God --- Nope. It's not. Did you really & truly think that I could USE you ...

without you ever feeling USED?!?

Ba da bing. And then ... He laughed ... out loud ... uproariously.

I love rainbows. I collect pictures of them. Friends often send me pictures of the cool rainbows they encounter. I know the biblical meaning of rainbows. And I know that rainbows have always shown up at times when I needed a word of encouragement ... personally ... from God.

All during the rains ... the storms ... the rising waters ... of the last few weeks ... the last few months ... I have been waiting for a rainbow.

Dump Truck Pot O' Gold
by Laura Criner - 2010

As much rain as has fallen ... you would have thought there would have been tons of pictures of rainbow sightings ... everywhere.

Haven't seen one ... recently. Not myself ... for real ... or in a picture taken by anyone else.

Kinda makes things feel a little hopeless ... a little futile ...

Last nite I dreamed about a rainbow. I'm pretty sure ... I've never .... dreamed about a rainbow ... before.

Naturally, my curiousity kicked in. So I googled "dreamed about a rainbow" & here's what I found out:

The gypsies say that to dream of a brightly coloured rainbow
means a happy change is coming.

... and there it is ... the answer I have been seeking ... to all of my questions ...

Simple as that.

www.lifelessons-mj-blogspot.com
(c) May 2011

Charmed ... I'm Sure ...

2011-04-25T10:05:00.002-05:00

...the rains came ... & the unicorns continued to play ... capriciously ...

as if ... they had all the time in the world ...

That's what I posted as my status ... one day last week ... it sparked a couple of interesting conversations ...

Conversations about unicorns. And their legends. About the flood. The faith of Noah. About water rising. And washing away the gritty stuff in our lives.

Was the rain that fell on those carefree unicorns REALLY
the first rain ... ever? Sing along with me ...

... Hey, Lord ... I got your green alligators ... and long necked geese ...

Unicorns mean different things to different people.

It is commonly held that unicorns are a symbol for purity, loyalty & devotion ... and some believe that unicorns are healers of the heart.

A healer of the heart. How cool is that?!?! That's exactly what my Band of Gypsys are discussing each week ... as we make our way through
WAKING THE DEAD by John Eldredge.

Yesterday was Easter. I sent a personal message to a friend ...

"I am come that they (that means YOU) might have life, and that

they (YOU again) might have it more abundantly"

~ John 10:10

Not your typical Easter scripture choice, I know. It had come to me in the night that it was a message that needed to be sent ... the urge was very compelling ... so I did it ... just before I went to church.

Surprise ... surprise ... not. Del's message was based on John 10 ... he covered thoroughly the verses leading up to John 10:10 ... about the sheep hearing ... and recognizing the shepherd's voice ...

I love it when things like that happen!

So as I wrote this blog, I went to get the link for WAKING THE DEAD. Check out the very first sentence of the random review I chose as the link:

“Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.”

Hmmm ... must be a very important message ... too much validation for it to be otherwise.

Now ... back to the unicorn lore ...

In the western world, the unicorn was believed to be wild & untameable .... a risk-taking adventurer, maybe ?

And in some eastern cultures the unicorn was the bearer of good luck.

The unicorn always reaches its destination -- never falling into pits or traps ... honored as a spiritual guide through life for others ...

Another legend highlights the unicorn's drive to bring harmony through insight & understanding ...

... and ... it's believed unicorns only appear when great change is on its way ...

The very same evening ... that I posted the unicorn status ... I went out to play with my friends down in Argenta ... it's always a blast!

And interesting things always seem to happen to me there ... life lesson things ... last time was the Mardi Gras shindig ... when I lost ... and then found my diamond earring ...

... unexpected ... improbable ... impossible ... things.

This time it was the 2nd Annual Celebrate the Grape wine tasting event.

Doing my normal thing, I was working the door. Greeting people. Handing out the special wine glasses ... for the tasting. Directing them over to the tables where the hand-made charms were waiting to be chosen ... by each guest.

A wine charm is a cool little "bracelet" ... actually they look more like earrings ... that fit around the stem of your glass. Each one is individual & unique. That way if you set your glass down ... you can recognize it easily as your own ... when you return.

Once the rush of early connoisseurs had arrived I wandered over to the charm table. I am not sure if the girl sitting there was one of the artists who had created the charms or simply a volunteer like me ... we did not know each other.

As I took in all of the different colors ... and designs ... and variety of charms, I said to her "I want a FUN charm ... that's just right for me!"

... this IS a true story ... I never make these things up ... I promise!

She reached down & selected a charm. And she handed it to me ...

"Here's a UNICORN charm ... it's very special ...

& I think it's exactly right for YOU!"

Made me smile. Another "earring" story ... on an evening in Argenta ... coincidence ... I think not.

I don't believe in coincidences, after all.

Standing on the sidewalk at the end of the evening ... I chatted with a man I know only slightly ... but have always liked a lot. Last time we had visited was last year ... the night of my flat tire ... he had shared with me on that occasion his desire to have his whole heart back ...

I told him that I had thought of him often since then. Wondering how his journey was going. Then I shared my flat tire story with him ... and we laughed together ... at the absurdity of it ...

There we were ... standing on the sidewalk ... while the rain continued ... reconnecting after months & months ... and then ... he told me his story ...
of the healing of his heart ...

And he smiled ... the most radiant smile ... full of hope & promise & love ... and rather sheepishly he admitted that he hadn't shared his story
with anyone ... else.

... not yet ...

Just me ... standing on the sidewalk ...
clutching my little unicorn charm in my pocket ...

Unexpected ... improbable .. impossible ...

For a few minutes ... we simply stood together ... soaking up the good feelings ... & the rain ... knowing that we were sharing something special ...

It was an amazing encounter. A gift of great magnitude.

"...Well, now that we have seen each other," said the Unicorn,

"If you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you."

~ THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS by Lewis Carroll

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

Sunshine ... & Taxes ...

2011-04-17T18:29:00.000-05:00

Tax time. It comes every year ... without fail. It's that time when you tally up the success markers in your life ... to see who's winning ... you ... or Uncle Sam ...

It's always been my strategy to try to get as close to "breaking even" as possible ... you know, having access to my money all through the year.

2010 was an interesting year ... I had started Synchronicity the year before ... then got sidetracked for months & months making the movie,
STEP AWAY FROM THE STONE ... so not a lot of REAL income for a good part of the year ....

The second half of the year, though, came back with some positive cash flow from consulting clients ... so I was feeling pretty good about things ...

Still .. in typical MJ style ... I put off the actual preparation of my return until the last minute ... one nite last week, I sat down with my box of receipts & income statements. I do a pretty good job of keeping stuff together so it really didn't take too long ...

First I did a little P & L calculation for Synchronicity. Second year on the tax return and the "loss" for the year was less than $1000 ... that made me smile!

I've been doing my own tax return for years and years. I have had returns that involved living in multiple states ... owner financing ... self-employment ... unemployment .. pretty much you name it ... I've done it. This year's was a piece of cake in comparison.

As I entered the data ... the little box up in the right corner of the screen was supposed to adjust my tax obligation up or down based on the things I did last year. So first I put in some interest income and immediately I "owed" some taxes. Then I moved on to my Synchronicity stuff and it went to $0 ... and there it stayed ... on $0 ... all the way to the end.

Yep. $0 taxes owed ... and ... $0 refund due. $0 on Federal .... $0 on State.

Imagine that!

Of course, I didn't believe that was possible. To have lived my life so well that I was perfectly balanced ... at ZERO ... for the year... so I took everything over to my CPA friend and had her take a look at my work. She came up with the same results.

Cool. So very cool.

After I got past the incredibleness of the outcome ... I had to smile. Actually, I laughed outloud ... because it was just too funny ... somehow ... ZERO has become my "lucky" number ...

Remember my eharmony.com story ... with ZERO matches in the entire world of 10 million subscribers in 2006 ... and again, in 2009 ... ZERO matches found amongst the 10 million subscribers to eharmony.com ...

... only to find ... after a double-dog dare ... that in 2011 there is now a match for me on eharmony.com ... yeah ... one-in-ten-million finally located ...

... just in time for tax season! Gotta love the humor in that!

Anyway, tax day was a good day for me. Good days have been the norm lately. Recently I explained my good day theory to a friend .... any day the sun shines I can put my top down ...
and any day I can put my top down is a good day ...

Lots and lots of good days ... here lately ....
even on days when the top stays up ...

The sun was supposed to shine all weekend ... thought my MJ-good day theory was in full force. Then Friday afternoon it clouded up ... cold air met the hot air ... the storm blew through ... so much for the sunshine.

A friend of mine responded to my bemoaning of the lack of anticipated sunshine by saying ..." Hang on it will change for sure" ...

...and guess what ?!?! He was right. Today has been an absolutely glorious day full of sunshine ... the top's down .... even though duty has kept me inside ...

Guess that old adage about death & taxes ... simply doesn't ring true to me ... not any more ...

The way I see it ... the only thing that is inevitable is ....

SUNSHINE!

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) April 2011

Blowing bubbles ...

2011-04-03T20:48:00.000-05:00

Sun's been shining. Top's been down. Since Friday. Refreshing ... relaxing ... lots of head-clearing going on ... in between the here-there-and-yonder that has been my work filled weekend.

... it's been much needed after the week just past. So full of drama. And blindsides. And some plain 'n simple mistakes. In my life. In the lives of my friends.

Waiting for me when I arrived at the Post ... way too early on a beautiful day like today .... was a regular-who-is-becoming-a-friend-of-sorts. He stays confused. He thought today was the day the dancing started at 3 o'clock. But it's not. That's next week.

He followed me in with an arm-full of bags. It's always interesting to me how different people ... with different circumstances ... manage their lives. He'd been shopping. Then hopped a cab here ... because it was better than simply heading home ... alone.

After some friendly conversation, he decided to take a walk down to the River Market until things livened up here. Before he left though, he reached into one of the bags and said, "I know it's a little early ... but I have something for you ... "

And he handed me a bottle of bubbles shaped like a bunny ... it's pink. It made me smile.

There's no way he could know that bubbles are ... way cool ... to me!

Bubbles are amazing! It's hard NOT to smile when you are blowing bubbles. They are like tiny little bitty rainbow-ish orbs ... shimmering ... floating ... before disappearing ... into thin air.

I love 'em so much that it's not uncommon for my friends of all ages to receive bubbles & sprinkles on their birthdays ... cuz anytime you have bubbles and sprinkles ... it's a celebration!

Sitting in the window sill in the bathroom is one of my favorite messages -- a plaque on an easel:

The more you celebrate life ...

The more life you have to celebrate!

I smiled this morning after my shower at the thought of that. Celebrating life. It reminds me of choosing happy. And since a smile came my way yesterday that had been in hiding ... for weeks ...

I fell asleep ... smiling ... woke up ... smiling ...

It occurred to me that it was somewhat ironic to find something to smile about ... to embrace ... to celebrate ... as the ripples of the catastrophes of the week just keep ... rippling ....

That's pretty much what Del talked about this morning, too. His message was titled, "Finding An Open, Awesome Life".

He started with a discussion about super heroes & masks. Of course, everyone got to wondering how ole Superman is surviving these days ... since there are no telephone booths around for him to change in ... any more ... who knows?!? ... maybe he's retired ...

Masks. Something to hide behind. So that no one gets to see the REAL you.

And then he moved onto what it meant to be "without clothing" --- NAKED --- totally open ...

Clothing, he said, is a picture of covering ourselves ... hiding our true selves from others ... and God. Naked, on the other hand, is being totally open .. without shame.

It resonated with me deeply.

... and it crossed my mind that there a lots of people who are hiding in their "nakedness" as if it was a mask ... thinking if they go straight to the "unclothed" union that somehow that will result in true intimacy ... and then wonder why the emptiness is even more profound then before ...

Have a lot more pondering to do on all of that ...

Del said there were some things we all want in our lives ... to be seen ... to be known ... to be named ... to be loved.

I'm thinkin' he's right about those things. Except that at times it feels more like the ole be careful what you wish for story ... you know .. I WANT to be seen ... but wait ... that means I will have to let someone peek behind my walls ... and I WANT to be known ... so hmmm ... guess that means I will have to open the door & invite them inside my life .... and I WANT to be loved ... holy cow ... after someone SEES me ... and KNOWS me ... is it even possible that they will LOVE me?!?!

... to have those things in your life ... you have to be willing to live openly ... genuinely ... honestly ... without a mask ... without pretense ... to believe in yourself .. to take a chance ... believing in someone else ...

Pretty scary stuff.

To have an open, awesome life ...

... you need a faith that refreshes ... not a life that locks you in ...

... you need a faith that touches ... not a life spent trying to control things ...

...you need a faith that brings celebration ... not a life that is empty

The spirit of God is like the wind ... it blows where it will ... it refreshes .. it touches ... it's a natural celebration of life!

So I am going to continue taking down walls ... throwing open doors & windows ... blowing bubbles ... shouting into the wind as I ride with the top down ...

HERE I AM! I hope it's enough ... cuz all I have to offer is ... ME!!!

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

Trainwreck ....

2011-03-26T18:39:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt like you were witnessing a trainwreck ?!?!

You know, in slow motion ... you see the switch isn't set ... or the bridge is out ... and the train is just racing down the track ... oblivious ...
to the danger ahead ...

... and you want to do something ... anything ... to stop it ... but there's really nothing to be done except sit on the sidelines ... and wait for the crash.

I know a thing or two about trainwrecks. Guess maybe that's why it's making me so anxious ... the waiting & seeing ...

"My life is a trainwreck ... and I am the walking wounded" ... that's what I told people ... after my divorce ... and then my "second" divorce ... from work ... that followed so close on the heels of the first ...

And that's exactly how I felt. Like I had been riding along .... on track ... then suddenly .. blindsided ... and life as I knew it was shattered ...
into a million gajillion pieces ...

Trainwreck aftermath. It's awful. It 's debilitating. It's really & truly lousy.
For a very long time.

You wander around in a daze ... a fog ... wondering what the heck happened here ... and will anything ever seem stable or real again.

No one could have stopped my train ... from wrecking. And I am sure that there were any number of my friends who had been sitting on the sidelines ... much as I am today ... thinking there's going to be a crash ... it's going to be messy .... knowing it was inevitable ... and yet
there was nothing they could do ...

... except wait ... and then step into the rubble ... assist in gathering up the pieces ... that were worth salvaging for the future ...

Search & rescue. Tend to the wounded. Salvage the least damaged cargo.

I can do that. When the time comes.

In the meantime ... all I can do is watch ... and pray ... and wait ...

... for the inevitable ... crash.

Life is just tough ... at times ... but God is faithful.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) March 2011

... moonSHADOW ...

2011-03-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

Photo by V. L. Cox 3-20-11

The moon has been absolutely stunning the last few nites. Of course, everyone has been talking about the "super" moon ... whatever that means. I really haven't paid much attention to the scientific hoopla ... just have been enjoying the beauty of the full moon ... rising ... setting ... & just sittin' there for hours outside of my bedroom window.

Since I am now sleeping upstairs, the moon has seemed close enough to touch ... casting a moon shadow ... a la Cat Stevens ...

They say ... you know, whoever the "they" is that is always "saying" stuff ... that a full moon has a lot of impact on people and their actions. So I guess the "super" moon has been stirring up chaos in a LARGER way ... somehow ...

Certainly has been ... in my circle of friends ...

There has been some pretty extra special stuff going on ... over here in my world ... & the lives of people I care about ... and some that has been more intense & dramatic than special ...

Not sure what to make of it all ... except to know that it's all a part of a bunch of different stories ... unfolding ...

A friend said this morning, "God sure is having a good time with us lately" ... so I said 'You mean like you & me ... us or just us in a more general sense?"

She said, "You & me ... us."

I was puzzled by that. I am a constant source of humor to God ... nothing new or different there. She is struggling with changes ... and choices ... and I strive to be the consistent thing in her world ... providing her a sense of balance ... as she navigates her way across the wire ...

Still at times I am the catalyst ... as well as the constant ... somedays it's not easy to be me ...

A few weeks ago, Del shared any interesting concept in one of his Sunday morning messages. It had to do with "safety" from your enemies.

Biblically, your enemy loses all power over you .... you are safe from ALL harm ... as soon as you find a friend ... and touch a friend's tent. Once you enter your friend's tent, there is sanctuary ... and no one can touch you or harm you there.

Sanctuary. In a friend's tent. Which in biblical days was your friend's home, most often than not. Interesting concept. I'm thinking it is still relevant today.

Everyone has enemies. And enemies aren't just people. An enemy is anything that pursues you to bring you harm. Sometimes we are own enemy. You know, like THEY say ... you are your own WORST enemy.

And ... everyone needs a place of safety .... where enemies can't harm you. That's why God gave us friends. It is in the presence of friends that we can find shelter, hope, compassion, forgiveness ... whatever it is that we are in need of to restore and refresh our hearts ...

Healing is found in the the tent of a friend.

All of us are looking for ways to justify our behavior. Most of the time, when we do something troublesome or that has unexpected, unpleasant consequences ... it's because we simply aren't thinking.

That's right. We do something. It blows up ... or doesn't turn out quite like we planned ... and we say, "Gosh! What was I thinking?!?" Truth is ... we weren't.

We keep on going down those roads ... where we have been beat up ... or harmed ... in the past ... it's like we know better ... but we don't know any OTHER way ... to go ...

So we go down the familar road ... by our own choosing ... and then we wonder why we get what we get ...

Or we say we don't really care ... that the outcomes are the outcomes ... or that we don't care what anyone else says ...

Yeah. Right. We really DO care.

Change. It's just so dang hard. Wouldn't it be cool if it was truly as simple as saying "I will take a different road this time" ?!?

Instead we just wander around ... on familiar roads that lead to nowhere ... frying up a bunch of fish from time-to-time ... thinking things will never be different ... because we failed so miserably ... and nothing can ever fix that.

That's what Moses said ... because he failed so miserably ... he was just going to tend sheep for the rest of his life.  Sounded like a good plan at the time. But God had other plans for Moses.

God has other plans for us, too.

It's not just our enemies that pursue us, you know ... God pursues us as well. He pursues us with love & grace.

It's the truth. The Almighty God --- Creator of the Universe -- has decided that He loves YOU ... and He's coming after you. He knows your heart ... where you are ... right this minute ... and He's not going to turn you loose ... once He has your attention.

Ponder that.

So there you are ... hanging out in your friend's tent ... with your enemies in hot pursuit ... encircling the camp ... just waiting for you to take a step outside.

And God's pursuing you, too. Difference is, He's got back-up ... on the inside ... of the tent. You're there with your friend, after all.

A friend will tell you ... you don't have to feel bad about who you are ... not anymore ... you're safe here ... stay as long as it takes.

Most of the "bad" stuff we do is because we see ourselves "bad" in someway ... quite simply ... we don't love & respect ourselves ... and we don't believe we are worthy of anyone else's love & respect either.

That's where a friend steps in ... to remind you of what's real & true about you ... a friend will help you discard all the junk you drug along into the tent with you ... a friend will help you to re-discover the things that make you special & valued ...

There's nothing more important in our lives ... than being real.

So how do you get there ... to being real ?

You drop some of the stuff that you've been hanging on to ... that isn't really as important as you have made it out to be. You decide you want to be free to live YOUR life. You quit allowing others to control you ... or pull your puppet strings.

Most of us really dislike ourselves .... living day-after-day-after day with our same ole stuff. And we really-&-truly-honest-to-God want to change ... ourselves ... to change our lives.

So how do we make those important changes ... without changing the core of who we are? That's what my friend asked rhetorically ... this morning ...

There's nothing easy about change. In John 7: 66-69, the story is related of how many of the followers of Jesus ... left ... after He had explained how difficult it was going to be ... and how deep inside of their hearts they were going to have to go ... to change ... to live in a new way.

This morning, Del's message was about that story. Opening his message, he said, "Step out ... take a chance ... do someting different ..."  Jessi responded from her seat, "Amen!"

Jessi always makes me smile.

Change comes when we get tired of sitting in the same place ... when we are ready for an adventure ... when we are ready to try mercy ... when we live constantly ready to be surprised. ... when we finally move from a selfish life to a giving life ...

I really liked the part about the surprises. I love surprises! You can't be surprised as long as your life is all planned out ... with timelines ... deadlines ... this has to happen ... and that has to happen ...

... then maybe in June, MaryJane ... yeah, right ... a lot can happen between now & June ... what if I can't wait?!? It's impossible to enjoy the surprises ... in every breath ... when you are so busy focusing on down-the-road that you miss the possibilities of here-and-now ...

Change comes when you want something different ... so badly ... that you have nothing left to loose. That's what Janis Joplin said ... "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loose ..."

Reminds me of someting I read this morning about communication ... just because something's said outloud doesn't mean it was communicated well ... a good communicator is a story teller ... who shares in a way that is easily understood by his audience ... last week it was Lady Antebellum ... this week it's Janis Joplin ... gotta love Del for keeping it real ...

Sanctuary. My friends are always welcome ... in my tent. It's a safe place for them ... to heal & change.

"Be slow in choosing a friend slower in changing." That's what Benjamin Frankin had to say about it.    Change is personal ... afterall ... it has to come from within oneself ... not through someone else ..

So I think that means I don't have to be there ... inside my tent ... physically ... with them ... the entire time.

Photo by Wilton C. Wescott
3-20-11

Do you want to try something new, MJ? Would you like to do something different? Those questions keep popping up. And my answer is always the same ... Yes, indeed I do!

As for me ... right now ... today ... I am ready for adventure ... I am open to the unexpected ... willing to take a chance ... to grab a hold of the good things when they come my way ... choosing happy ...

... cuz I'm leaping & hopping on a moonSHADOW ...

Moon SHADOW ... moon SHINE ... it's all good.

Life is good. Very, very good.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) March 2011

Ladybug GPS

2011-03-13T23:39:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was beautiful. Sun was shining. Top was down. A ladybug took a ride on my windshield. All the way to the bowling alley & back, it perched there ... serving as my GPS ... enjoying the ride ...

Just like me ... I guess.

Back in my driveway, I reached for my camera. I wanted to capture the moment. That's when the ladybug took flight. Must not like to have her picture taken ...

Just like me ... I guess.

Ladybugs are lucky. Everyone knows that. In some Asian cultures, it is believed that the ladybug understands human language ... and has been blessed by God ... Himself.

When my Google-search turned up that tidbit of ladybug lore, it made me smile.

"Blessings" has been the word of the day ... for oh-so-many-days ...

So I guess it's really no surprise that a ladybug crossed my path yesterday.

The past week has been full of unexpected developments ... interesting conversations ... and, for those who thrive on it, tremendous opportunities for drama.

I don't do drama. Not well. 'Nuff said.

There's a certain dialogue ... underway ... that's weighing heavy on my mind. The what-to-say, what-not-to-say dilemma ... initiated by unforseen circumstances ... followed by a nudge ... well, actually it was more like a shove ... from my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... that sent me racing down a road I really wasn't ready to go down ...

... all of which came on the heels of several of other exhausting conversations ... situations ... as I keep trying to be there ... for a variety of friends ... when I don't even know where "there" is ...

Funny. One day this week my little facebook fortune said "You are there." Hopefully time will tell where it is ... that I have finally arrived.

So the beautiful day ... and the chances to enjoy the top down rides ... as I went about my Saturday errands was therapeutic ... and I was listening carefully ... respecting the silence ...

Upon return, I picked up one of the many books that I have laying around the house ... and flipped it open randomly ... landed on page 165 ... here's what I found ... there ...

"A vision we give to another of who & what they could become
has power when it echoes what the Spirit has already spoken into their souls."

The book is CONNECTING by Larry Crabb. It was given to me a few years ago ... by a good friend ... who has been a source of encouragement & insight during my personal journey of the last 6 years ... for true intimacy ...

Most people raise their eyebrows where I tell them that is my quest ... because most people think "intimacy" is just another word for "sex". Wrong-a-mondo!

Intimacy is something entirely different. It has to do with familiarity ... knowing someone well ... inside & out ... it implies a close relationship ... one that has long ago dispensed with ceremony & formality. It's the sharing of life between two people in an open, real, genuine way. There is emotional intimacy ... intellectual intimacy ... & physical intimacy.

Good friendships will be based on at least one or a combination of the three. Oftentimes some truly intimate relationships are purely platonic ... the emotional & intellectual connections are so strong.

The most special of relationships ... true intimacy ... would embody them all.
However, those connections are extremely rare ...

... like maybe, one in ten million.

The book raises ... & addresses ... the questions: "Why are we afraid of connecting with others? And what has prevented us from achieving the thrill of intimacy with friends & family that God wants us to have?"

My friend sent me to find the book ... because ... he knows that connections come as natural as breathing to me ... that all three "intimacies" are important to me ... and at the time, he said I was "ready" ... whatever that means.

Haven't spent much time with the book ... yet ... even though I've had it for quite awhile. So maybe I wasn't really as ready as he thought.

Yesterday, it spoke to my questioning heart.

It went on to say ...

"A Spirit-inspired vision sometimes includes an idea of what a person could do, but it always centers on what a person could become."

Validating for me the highly charged conversations of the week .. affirming that somehow ... instinctively ... my responses were right ... and appropriate. Whew! That makes me feel a little bit better .. about things.

I had goals for the day ... yesterday. Make enough chicken spaghetti to feed a small army ... get Jessi to-and-from all of her dates with Donald ... clean up the patio ... & make a concentrated effort to start organizing the patio storage room.

Most of the immediate moving around in the storage room had to do with Christmas stuff. Then I moved on to some boxes of old samples from my promtional products days .... tossed some ... kept some cool little items ... began a give-it-away box.

In the midst of those types of boxes, I stumbled across a random CD case ... full of CDs. I had to smile. It was Abbi's old playlist ... from the days before Ipods & Iphones ... her encyclopedia of music ... the soundtrack of both of our lives ... during some of the toughest times ... ever.

Abbi has very cool taste in music. She enjoys many of my oldies favorites. More importantly, though, she has always introduced me to fresh, new artists ... artists who sing songs with messages ... that tell stories .. that touch my heart.

When I went on my one-and-only-roadtrip since my divorce ... a couple of years ago ... I asked Abbi for all of these CDs ... I wanted it to be my own little "roadmap" much like in her favorite movie, Elizabethtown.

She couldn't find them ... at the time ... duh?!?! ... now I know they were lurking around in my storage room ... so she gave me her Ipod instead ... and said "Just hit shuffle, Mom, all of your songs will be there!"

The memory of Abbi's roadmap of music ... on the road to re-discovering myself ... always makes me smile!

Of course, I was still pondering the heartening message I had found in the book earlier.

It said that if you were the one who had a vision of someone else's potential that it almost always created "anguish in your heart".

That was reassuring. Guess my present uncertainty is a normal ... expected ... thing. Thank goodness for that one! Because there's no doubt that I have been anguished several times in recent days over the circumstances ... the honesty that was required of me ... the discomfort I have had at times in offering it ... & now the uncertainity of how things will play out ... because of that honesty.

Drug another box out & hidden in the bottom were stacks of yellowed papers, newspaper clippings, magazine pages ... and beneath them were two metal card files of differing sizes & a book sealed up in a plastic bag.

What a find! It was my Mimi's recipe trove that I have somehow been moving around with me ... unawares ... from house-to-house ... state-to-state ... for a whole lot of years. As I sifted through the papers I realized those were copies of her old favorites ... rewritten in later years ... with a big bold Sharpie marker on lined paper ... so that her failing eyes could read them.

In the boxes are hundreds of recipe cards .... most of them written by her own hand ... a collected outpouring of love from a woman who was my mentor in the art of making people feel valued, loved & special.

... and the book in the plastic bag is a copy of a Good Housekeeping cookbook copyright 1941 ... in mint condition ... must have been one of her favorites!

As I set there in the sunshine, memories flooded over me as I remembered this dish ... that cake ... a family occasion of some sort ... or a simple meal made memorable by her attention to detail ... and love for good food & pretty things.

It was like finding an atlas of favorite adventures ... based on a loved one's journey ... just waiting for me to revisit ... and claim as my own.

Throughout the afternoon, I found myself wandering back to the book...

" A Spirit-inspired vision is less concerned with
practically moving someone in a good direction

and more concerned with them catching a glimpse of what could be."

What could be ... now there's something worth spending some time on ... at least that's what I have been trying to tell my friends ... in my own words and ways ...

It would be EASIER to want less for the people I care about, I know.
Good visions hurt.

But, easy ... that's just not my style. Not always sure if that's a good thing ... especially when you hold the direct & honest cards ... as well ...

It got to be late in the day ... evening actually ... I had dropped Jessi off at the dance ... picked up some sushi & wine ... and settled in on the patio ... to enjoy the nice weather ... and spend a little bit of quiet time ...

My mind was still caught up in the unsolicited drama that had played out ... all week ... so I picked up the book again ... for one more look ... at the passage I had started earlier ...

Having such a vision for someone, according to Crabb, is a form of spiritual warfare. Final victory is guaranteed, but, along the way, temporary setbacks & serious defections create levels of anguish that reduce us to prayer."

Wow! That's exactly where I was on Wednesday nite ... with my Band of Gypsys ... discussing how we are always under attack ... at war ... that it's the context of everything.

Our small group is studing Waking The Dead by John Eldredge and here's what we discussed this week:

"Until we come to terms with war as the context of our days we will not understand life. We will misinterpret 90 percent of what is happening around us and to us. It will be very hard to believe that God's intentions towards us are life abundant; it will be even harder not to feel that somehow we are blowing it ..."

Sitting there on the patio ... my burden was suddenly lightened. It's so very cool how God does that. He tells you something ... important ... then tells you again & again .... in a bunch of different ways ... just to be sure that you are "getting it"... if you are paying attention ...

Here's a little more from Eldredge:

"You won't understand your life, you won't see clearly what has happened to you or how to live forward from here unless you see it as a BATTLE. A war against your heart. And you are going to need your whole heart for what's coming next. I don't mean what's coming next in the story I'm telling ... I mean what's coming next in the life you are living."

Have to laugh ... out loud. I mean, really, do you think He could spell it out any clearer for me?!?! And I love it when He explains it to me ... so simply & vividly ... and uses my VERY OWN words ... in the explanation.

By the time I called it a night ... there was a bit more stuff ... a little easier than some of that from earlier in the week, though ... or maybe I was just better equipped ... somehow ...

With an atlas full of treasured adventures waiting to be re-visited ... a roadmap that encompasses the soundtrack of my life the last few years ... and a ladybug GPS ... no doubt I am READY for whatever's coming next ...

Not to mention the fortune in my cookie that came with my sushi ...
GOOD NEWS IS ON IT'S WAY ...

... so here I am ... impatiently waiting patiently ... Amen.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) March 2011

Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler !!!

2011-03-08T13:28:00.001-06:00

Ever have one of those moments ... when the world sort of stops ... and you think, how in the heck could that have happened ?!? And the sinking feeling that follows ... because you know there's no way that it can possibly be undone ... it just is what it is ?!?

That was me ... last nite ... after coming home from the BEST time I've had in ... gosh ... I don't know how long.

It was a fun party. Very fun. Mardi Gras themed ... and I was declared the "Bead Babe" ... because it was pointed out that the title "Bead Lady" was owned by someone else ... in the neighborhood.

People always use the term "lady" loosely when referring to me ... and it's been a very long time since anyone called me a "babe" ...

So, yeah, I liked it ... I liked it a lot!

Smiling. Laughing. Handing out beads. Enjoying old friends. Making new ones. That was my job for the evening.

Beads & boas & masks ... came on & off all evening ... over my head. We danced in the restaurant. Paraded Louis Armstrong-style along the sidewalk.

Later we wandered across the street for some serious singing to a totally oldies playlist ....

Lots of ground was covered ... during the course of the evening ...

Upon arriving home, I discovered the absence of an earring. It was somewhat devastating. And definitely took the glow off the good feelings that I carried in with me.

When it comes to jewelry, I am fairly simple in style and taste. I don't switch things up much. My earrings are my favorite ... diamond studs. Not terribly tiny ones. I wear them every day ... with everything.

As I wandered upstairs & downstairs ... my emotions were all over the map.

The earrings were very special to me. A gift that was intended to remind me that I was loved ... day-in-and-day-out ... as I have been working through the process of rediscovering myself ... reclaiming my life.

It's JUST an earring, MJ! ... I reminded myself. You don't need an earring to know that you are special. Not anymore.

... and, yes, the earrings carry a certain amount of monetary value. That also crossed my mind. And I knew that I would be making a call this morning to see about insurance.

It took an immense amount of effort not to give in ... to be totally overwhelmed ... by the loss.

Hoping to determine whether the earring had been dropped during the revelry ... or had fallen out after my arrival home ... I asked my friend who is staying with me, "Did you notice if I had both of my earrings when I came in?"

Nonchalantly ... she said, "No. I didn't notice. Are you missing one?" When I said that I was she said, "Bummer". And went on doing whatever she was doing on her laptop ... oblivious of my distress ...
Never have I had a problem with these earrings. They have backs that screw on. It's tricky to put them on ... and challenging at times to take them off. So it has never crossed my mind that one could jump off somewhere ... randomly & undetected.

I went to bed determined to call ... first thing this morning ...the establishments that hosted the festivities last nite. Futile, I know. Still. It was worth a try.

Sometime around midnight, I became restless. So I came downstairs to the kitchen ... and thought maybe if I sweep the floor ... it will turn up in the dustpan.

Yeah, right. Like that would happen. No such luck.

I then wandered through the laundry room .... out to the garage ... to check the seat & floorboard of the car ... one more time ... because maybe it had landed on my clothes ... then fallen from there when I got out.

Who am I kidding?!?

As many places as I had been during the evening ... there were simply too many other likely spots for it to have come loose ... and landed ... it was a needle-in-the-haystick situation ...

Hopeless. Discouraged. I could feel the dreariness that I shook off on Sunday inching it's way back ...

I bent down to pick up a sock that had somehow escaped the dryer as I opened the door to the garage. And I laughed to myself ... I knew that finding the match to the sock was going to be just as likely as finding my lost diamond.

Opened the door ... and there nestled in a crack in the concrete floor ... was my earring.

Improbable. Impossible. The odds of me ever seeing that earring were something like ... one in ten million.

Yet there was my diamond ... resting in that concrete crack ... a rough

place in which one would never have looked ,,, not in a hundred-million years ... it was sparkling & winking at me.

Breathless. Speechless. Overwhelmed. There really aren't any words to describe how I felt in the moment.

I reached down ... picked it up ... and that's when the laughter came ... outloud ... until tears rolled down my cheeks ...

And the whsiper that followed ... "Get ready for the blessing, MJ. Open your eyes & see it ... open your heart & receive it!"

... after I went back to bed ... I just laid there in the dark ... pondering ... post-pondering, as I am want to do ... because I was blown away ... not sure what to make of it all ..

I was reminded again this morning ... of a situation that is totally improbable ... impossible ... there's really no chance, after all ... it's just not in the cards ...

Yet ...

As I put my diamonds in my ears ... the whisper came again ...

"Anything's possible, MaryJane. Do you trust me?"

... and then as if to validate the whisper, my inbox this morning held my daily message from The Universe. It simply said, "You're there!"

Time will tell, I guess ... where THERE is ... in the meantime ...

Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler !!!

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
March 2011

On blessings ...

2011-03-07T11:29:00.000-06:00

"YOU are a blessing in my life. Let's be friends always." That came to me in a text message on Thanksgiving ... from an unexpected source.

It confused me at the time. It still does.

Since then, blessing is a word ... an idea ... that keeps popping up ... randomly.

Many people speak of the blessings in their lives ... when they are actually talking about things ... possessions ... material stuff ... status ... clout ... money ... power ... things that have worldly value.

Actually blessings aren't material things at all. They are positive forces ... feelings ... of approval ... of encouragement ... of happiness.

Blessing is a living word and it generally comes from people ... who make you feel valued, special, encouraged, happy by their words & actions ... not from inanimate objects.

Interesting thing ... the friend who sent me the Thanksgiving message ... continues to mention his blessings in our conversations ... from time-to-time ... it always makes me smile!

At church yesterday, as I was wandering around waiting to sit down God whispered in my ear ... 'I am getting ready to BLESS you, MJ ... are you ready?!?"

Heck yeah, I'm ready. I've been impatiently waiting patiently ... for something new ... for what's coming next ... to be living the life I want to be living ... for a very long time. So bring on the blessing!

I wrote it down ... so that I wouldn't forget the promise ...

The music was great ... sang some of my favorites ...

You give & take away

And still my heart will say

Blessed be Your name ...

How great is our God

Sing with me ...

And it's the cry of my heart

To bring you praise ..

To love you from the inside out ...

Having found myself in a discouraged & overwhelmed place for a few days ... it was uplifting to me ... to know that a blessing was coming my way ... and to sing so many songs that make me smile ...

So Del's making announcements ... singing Happy Birthday ... and I am doodling in my journal ...

... rare & unique ... one-of-a-kind ... once-in-a-lifetime opportunity ... the time is now ... either take a chance ... or simply let the moment pass you by ...

Lost in my thoughts ... about choices, changes, chances ... situations I have no control over ... things that I wish would happen ... sooner than later ... and right on cue, the title of the message flashed up on the screen:

LIVING A BLESSED LIFE

And before I even heard the laughter of my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... I heard Him snort ... He simply couldn't control Himself ... He had been holding it in all through the songs ... and He was about to bust a gut!

Seriously. Why am I always sooooo surprised?!?!

"All these blessings will come down on you and spread out beyond you because you have responded to the voice of God ... YOUR God." ~ Deuteronomy 28:2

... and then Del began to share about the blessed life ...

The sense of blessing can be found when you enjoy WHO you are ... you enjoy life around you ... your life has a positive sense of goodness ... you live life as a celebration. Yes. It's true. You find that state of blessedness.

First, you must CHOOSE life. That's what he said.

Then ... out-of-the-blue ... Del took a poke at ME. Well, actually, I am pretty sure it wasn't Del's idea ... cuz my buddy, God, was still snickering in my ear ....

Choosing happy. That's where he went. He said that he thought people who say happy is a choice ... are silly ... maybe he even said stupid ... I don't really remember ... I was so stunned at the direct hit ... to ME !

Needless to say, I sat up and took note ... I was definitely paying attention!

He made a reference to a book titled Happiness Is A Choice.

I am not familiar with the book ... nor it's premise. The Amazon link there says that the author "contends that if you change a belief or attitude you can change your life".

I'm ok with that.

It also says that "Section six has short chapters detailing shortcuts to happiness. " Not so sure about that, though. There are never shortcuts to things that are worthwhile, important & of value to your life ... but that's a topic for another day ...

Back to Del's comments ... about "choosing happy" ... he said it wasn't that simple. Apparently he doesn't GET IT!

So he continued on with his discussion of "choosing life"...

We must decide that we don't want to walk in drudgery & dreariness. It's our choice. We can choose to LIVE !!!

The nudge came ... dreariness, MJ ... that's what you've been feeling the last few days ... you allowed those other people with their random comments to rob you of your joy ... of the hope ... & enthusiasm you were feeling earlier in the week ...

... when you were feeling the state of blessedness ... in your life ... in the life of another ...

Yep. He was right, of course. I allowed others to pull the rug right out from under my positive attitude. Instead of keeping hold of the great feeling that my heart says is genuine & real.

The keys to finding blessedness are life, love, listen & embrace.

I liked that! There was some elaboration on each of those keys ... but my mind was wandering. And looking back through my notes, the only thing I wrote down during this part of the message was a question ...

Do you want to share LIFE with someone ... or do you just want to give away pieces of yourself in meaningless places ... and ways?

That was MY question ... not Del's ... it's one that I struggle with ... a lot ... not going down that road here ...

As Del got into his thoughts on "embrace", I was brought back from my own thoughts ...

The outer man is getting ... and somehow I didn't write down the word he used here but I think it was something like ...exhausted, drained, worn-out ... each day; the inner man is being renewed each day ... becoming more & more alive.

Embrace ... grab a hold .. of the good things that come your way ... especially the people who uplift you ... encourage you ... show you how very, very special you are ... that cause you to realize how blessed you are ...

So there you have it. Choosing to live ... choosing the state of blessedness ... choosing happy (MJ-style) ... they're all the same things. It's just a matter of what you CHOOSE to call it.

And, yes, it's really that simple. Choosing it, I mean. The hard part comes in the day-to-day putting into practice of your choice.

So choose to LIVE! Whatever number of days God has in store for the rest of your life ... don't waste them in random places ... with people who don't mean anything to you ... LIVE them to the fullest ... even if it means taking a risk ... a chance on being hurt ... better to FEEL ALIVE than to exhaust yourself pretending you don't deserve better ... that you don't really want anything more ... than ordinary.

It's impossible to fill the holes in your heart ... in your life ... with the emptiness that comes from worthless encounters ... from friendships/relationships that mean nothing ... other than momentary satisifaction or immediate gratification ...

Nothing comes from nothing

Nothing ever could ...

I love that song from The Sound of Music ... and that scene. It's very powerful. That's what LIFE is supposed to feel like ... all of the time. I want that! God wants that for me, too!

God just wants us to feel blessed ... in the midst of life's chaos. And He sends people into our lives to help us feel that way. It's up to each of us whether we want to "go there" or not. It's a little scary, actually. The whole feeling blessed thing ... because we really don't think we deserve it ... the good stuff ... the wonderous power of being cherished ... worthy ... and besides, feelings are REALLY scary ... at times .. especially if you've been hurt or let down by someone you loved & trusted with your heart ... your self ... your life .. in the past.

Ok .. some of this is MJ-isms ... not at all what Del said ... it's always a hodgepodge here ... of me, Del & the prankster of the Universe, God.

Del's closing gambit:

Bless. That's your job. To bless. Others. Be a blessing. You will get a blessing.

.... and God said ... 'You're almost there, MJ. Soon. Very soon. You're blessing is already on it's way!"

MaryJane smiled.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

March 2011

Fear of Flying ... Or Not ...

2011-03-05T21:51:00.003-06:00

Thought about naming this blog, "random things that made me smile this week" ... but as I was sitting down to start pulling my thoughts together ... Jessi decided to watch TITANIC .

... for the one-hundred-millionth-and-one time ...

Everyone who knows me knows that I think that scene at the end where Rose promises Jack that she will "never let go" ... just before she chunks him over the edge of the ice floe they are drifting around on ... in the Atlantic ... is one of the lamest scenes in movie history !!!

Tonite, as I was preparing dinner and thinking about the things that made me smile this week, the movie was unfolding in it's tried-and-true fashion ... then there came a scene ... that I am pretty sure I have never let penetrate my brain before ... it's just before Rose & Jack stand up on the bow of the ship ... and do the "flying" thing ...

Jack is pleading his case. Telling Rose that he's "too involved" now ... that he needs to "know" that she will be "all right" when they disembark in New York.

Rose: It's not your job to save me ...
Jack: I know. Only you can do that.

Stunned. My jaw dropped. And, yes, I admit a tear emerged in the corner of my eye. It struck ... like an iceberg ... just a little too close to home.

Then they climb up on the bow ... there ... with arms spread wide ... Rose declares, "Jack, we're flying!"

How have I missed this part ... in the hundred million times I've had to endure this movie with Jessi ?!? Jack tells Rose that life is about adventure ... and risk taking ... and living to the fullest. And I am struck dumb by the thought that his description is exactly the life I want to be living ... with a man just like Jack Dawson!
So there you have it .... hidden beneath the sappy, over-dramatic veneer .. there is really a message here for me ... ... in TITANIC ...

Imagine that!

Random ... coincidence ... I think not.

Pondering ... pre-pondering ... post-pondering ...

At a meeting that involved three other women that I find amazing ... it was suggested to me from the git-go that we had a lot of material to cover ... so there wasn't time for ... pondering!

Really. Me, ponder?!?
I am known to be an on-my-feet thinker and an off-the-cuff responder ... spontaneous by nature ... my retort was that I was not a PRE-ponderer ...

... something more like a POST-ponderer.

This, of course, has led me to webster.com for some clarification of exactly what all of this PONDERING meant:

Ponder - to think about; to reflect on ..
Everyone knows that's just another word for over-thinking. Guilty as charged ... on some levels.

Moved on to pre-ponder ... we've all heard the phrase "preponderance of evidence" on those lawyer shows ... so how does it relate?

Preponderance - a superiority in weight, power, importance, or strength

Yeah ... but we were talking about Pre-pondering versus Post-pondering ... so here's what I found ...

Preponder - "Preponder, it turns out, isn't in the free Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, where you just searched."

So I went to a less "reputable" online dictionary, http://dictionary.reference.com/ and came up with this definition:

Preponder - To preponderate

Not only did that make me smile ... it literally cracked me up ...

Yes, indeed ... I was laughing out loud ...

Preponderate - to exceed in influence, power, or importance

So it appears if you "preponder" that you give too much credence to the information before it's even been presented ... sure that makes sense ... something like manic-depressive overthinking ...

I am definitely NOT a pre-ponderer ...

POST-pondering wasn't listed anywhere ... so it's totally unique to me ... oh, wait ... maybe that's YOUnique to me !!! Gotta love it!

So there's Rose & Jack ... standing on the very fartherst front point of the ship ... "flying" ... into what's coming next ... it's a beautiful scene ... visually ...

So why did my mind immediately go to "fear of flying" ... I wonder.

Once considered a very racy novel by Erica Jong, The Fear of Flying, is the story of Isadora Wing, one of the most hilarious and touching anti- heroines to ever appear in fiction. A compulsive daydreamer, a seeker of saviors and psychiatrists, the author of a book of supposedly erotic poems, and a full-fledged phobic who fears flying but will not allow that fear to keep her off planes, Isadora relates her adventures and misadventures with wit, exuberance, and the sort of absolute candor that for centuries was permitted only to men.

... intimacy, life, joy, and adventure ... those are the themes of the story ... and are all of the things I am wanting to find in the life I want to be living ...

... yep, me & Rose & Isadora ... we are all yearning for the same things ...

Profound ... and a little scary.

It reminded me of another random smile this week. A conversation ... about blessings ... and possibilities ... and rainchecks. It came along with a fun picture ... of a place ... at the end of the road ... that I have been thinking leads to nowhere ... but just maybe leads to somewhere ...that I might want to be ...

A couple of other random conversations sort of diminished the glow of the original exchange ... but the picture ... well, it still captures the hope & enthusiasm ... of what's coming next ...

... and it continues to make me smile ...

Today was spent at the American Legion ... doing BINGO duty.

A phone call ... it was an unlikely encounter ... in typical MJ-fashion ...

... made me smile ...

MJ: Hello, American Legion, this is Mary Jane.
Caller: Hello?!? Is this the VFW ?
MJ: No. This is American Legion Post 1.
Caller: Oh. Is this Mary Jane Rogers?

Rogers. That's my maiden name. LOL.

MJ: Yes. Yes, it is.
Caller: Well, this is (name withheld to protect the innocent)!

It was an old friend ... a boyfriend at times in my long ago past ... before internet, cell phones, or marriages. Not the first time we've talked in recent years ... but it has been at least a year or so ... since some address book malfunction or other caused his number to be erased from "my memory" ... in my phone, silly!

Seems he was trying to call a VFW post ... because he was supposed to be judging a chili cook-off there ... but, in his own words, his "stupid-smart-phone" connected him with the American Legion ... and ME!

A wrong number ... a very fun re-connection!

Not so stupid ... on the phone's part ... I'm just sayin' ....

Random things ... make me smile ...

As for FLYING ... I'm not really afraid ... have always been willing to take off ... on some adventure or another ... seems I've been an adventurer for longer than I care to remember!

... in the words of Jack & Rose ...

Do you trust me? Yes. I trust you!

Good things are happening!

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) March 2011

Choices ... Changes ... Chances

2011-02-23T10:09:00.001-06:00

There's been a lot of discussion in my circle of friends ... about choices ... and the consequences of choices ... lately.

The "choosing" lesson has been one that's been a long-time coming ... for me ...

You know ... I get to choose ... and you get to choose ... no one gets to choose for anyone else.

It's all so very frustrating ... and confusing ...

It applies to ALL things ... in life.

Webster says "choose" means to make a selection freely and after consideration ....

Sounds simple. Seems that most of us find ourselves making the most important choices on impulse ... or maybe it's that consideration simply isn't given to something that doesn't seem important ... and next thing you know, your life has been impacted in ways that you never imagined ... because you were careless with your thoughts, actions & heart ...

Deliberately NOT making a choice ... IS a choice ... as well. That seems to be a very hard one for many of my friends to grasp. They think if they sit back ... ride the fence ... & just let whatever happens ... happen ... they have no responsibility for the outcomes.

A choice is a choice. Even a non-choice. And there is responsibility attached to each & every choice. If you get to make your own choices ... then you have to take ownership of the outcomes ... the consequences ... the bad ones as well as the good ones ...

Yep. You do. It's your choice. It's your consequence.

Last week, I came face-to-face with the outcome ... of several years of choosing ... to be friends ... in spite of the warnings ... the hurts ... the impossibilities ... the improbablilities ...

Ironically ... this was the friend who set me on the path of "choosing happy". In a real, genuine conversation ... once upon a time ... he said to me ... "You know, MJ. You can't make me happy. No one can. Only I can make me happy."

That resonated with me deeply ... at the time ... it still does. After much pondering, I embraced that truth & made it my own ...

I have been choosing happy ever since ....

Sadly, he hasn't.

It was a random, unexpected ... yet inevitable encounter. It hurt ... but in many ways not as much as I thought it was going to ... you know, the actual shutting the door ... double bolting it on the past ... saying good-bye to something ... someone ... who has impacted my life so mightily ...

The good far outweighs the bad. I know that. Over time ... spent in-and-out of whatever we were in-and-out of ... lost pieces of MJ were re-discovered .... real life lessons were learned ... stories were shared ... hardships were endured ... weird, quirky things happened along the way ...

I wouldn't wish any of it away ...

For me ... all of our shared experiences were part of my forward progress ... forcing me to take a critical look at myself ... making adjustments based on what I saw there ... through his eyes ... all the while paving the way ... for whatever is coming next ...

I ran into him ... last week ... at almost exactly the same spot that we first encountered each other ... several years ago. After our conversation ended ... awkwardly ... I walked away thinking how sad it was that none of it had ever really mattered ... that it appears to have been just a rewind ... a repeat ... a rerun ... of the lost & lonely life ... that he chooses to continue living ...

Our friendship ... it was an unlikely thing ... all along ... it required me being a little bit brave about letting someone inside my carefully constructed walls ... it was always challenging, interesting, rewarding ... and more times than not, it was fun ...

Well ... until it just hurt too much ...

In the end it all came down to choices. Choices I made. Choices he made. Choices others made that were out of our control.

In a conversation with a new friend over the weekend I was asked

"What is life about for you?"

Good question.

Life for me is about making a difference ... touching lives ... taking chances ... seeing opportunities everywhere & pursuing the ones that capture my attention ... looking into the eyes & hearts of the people I come to know ... seeing the hidden potential ... the unacknowledged specialness ... the good things hiding there ...

... and believing in them ... even when they don't believe in themselves ... offering up as much encouragement & support as I can ... to help them open up some doors ... take down some walls ...

... even as I struggle to do those very things for myself.

The encounter has proven to be an immediate catalyst for change. Saying good-bye ... face-to-face ... instead of tucked in emails ... or in silence ... was cathartic. There was a huge amount of healing there. And somehow, it felt good & right.

So we said what we needed to say. I guess. At least I did.

And then like a floodgate being thrown wide open ... good things began to happen ...

Opportunities. Possibilities. Chances.

Abound.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

Elephants ... In. The. Room.

2011-02-15T10:37:00.003-06:00

I love elephants. I always have ... don't know why ... really ... there's just something special about the oversized creatures with the soulful eyes ... and the long trunk ... that allows them to reach out ... and touch ... while maintaining a proper distance.

As a young girl, I collected elephant ... things. Bright colorful ones ... more than authentic, real-life looking ones. Yep. Elephants always make me smile.

I've been trying to write this blog for a week or so ... now ... and it just hasn't come together ... I'm thinking it's because of the elephant in the room ... that keeps moving around ... lightfooted ... you know, so I won't see it ... completely ...

... not yet ...

Elephants in the room ... reminds me of the song by Kris Allen ... it goes like this ...

" ... it's the elephant in the room but we pretend we don't see it ..."

Funny. Normally, the elephant in the room is viewed as a negative ... an unaddressed problem ... or as the song goes on to say ... "stop pretending ... that it's not ending ... let the end begin. ..."

Not my elephant. No sirre-Bob!

My elephant is trumpeting "POSSIBILITIES" ... as it spins & twirls on one foot at a time ... pirouetting circus style ... clumsily across the floor.

I think it wandered in the night I found the magic rock ...
A couple of weeks ago, I was spending an evening with a friend ... an enlightened friend, I might add. I dropped my keys on her driveway ... in the dark ... and when I bent down to pick them up ... I missed the keys completely ... and came up with a smooth, clear rock.

It was special. Of course. And it made me smile.

I took it inside ... showed it to her ... and laid it on the counter. Hours later ... when it was time to leave ... I went to retrieve my rock ... cuz I was sure it was "magic" ... and it was gone.

Seems my friend ... didn't sense anything special about it ... & had tossed it into the trash.

... at that moment, the roller coaster ... left the platform ... and I am enjoying the crazy ride ... so far ...

The other day I stopped by to visit a friend at work. It's an interesting place ... not your typical office environment ... so when I arrived there was a lot of stuff out in the lobby area ... things being moved in and out of different places ... I noticed all of the interesting things ... and it made me smile ... because it was such a visual of one story ending ... making room for a new beginning ...

So we chatted for a few minutes ... it was casual ... uneventful ... and I headed out the door ... on my way to where I was going next ...

A last glance over my shoulder ... a laugh ... and a smile ...

... then I was sailing through the air ... & hit the hard concrete floor ... face down ... full body ... totally unexpected ... with no chance to even break the fall with my hands & arms ...

It knocked the wind out of me. Caught me off guard. And then I was laughing ... because apparently ... in the few minutes I was in the office visiting ... an elephant-sized box had been placed directly in the path of the door through the lobby ... and I never saw it!

Funny thing is ... no one saw me ... take the dive! My friend came out as I was picking myself up ... and said, "Wow that was weird. I could hear you talking ... but I couldn't see where you went!"

Then he noticed the box ... and said .... hmmm, where did that come from?!?!

... and over in the corner ... thinking I couldn't see or hear it ... my elephant friend began to giggle softly ...

"Keep your eyes open, MJ."

Weird, quirky things that just keep happening to me ... and the messages keep coming ... supporting the improbable, impossible things ... on the horizon ...

It's funny how things go ...

I just finished the second of the books that have been given to me recently by people who are important to me ... Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen.

The person who gave it to me said they had found it "somewhat interesting" ... because it was about senior citizens ... and circuses. Yep. That's what they said. And, indeed, both of those themes are the foundation of the story ...

... but that wasn't really what it was about ...

It's about life ... and taking chances ... of grabbing a hold of the good things that show up unexpectedly in your life ... even when they don't make sense ... it's the story of a man who never loses sight of the wonder of adventure ... that's the kind of life I want to be living ... he's the kind of man I want to be sharing it with ...

The elephant's in the room ...

Truth is ... in order for something new to present itself ... or unfold ... something has to end ... to make room ... to prepare the way ... to leave yourself open ... for something new ...

One in ten million ... those are the outrageous odds ... that I have been given ... not once ... but twice ... still ... anything's possible ...

It's funny. At one point in the last week, a friend suggested that I simply send a picture of an elephant ... in response to the surprising, out-of-the-blue development ... in response to the long-shot of those odds ...

Another elephant reference ... and it made me smile.

Seems that isn't going to be necessary. Apparently, others have been open to the elephant's entrance ... & appear to be enjoying the gay little dance ... maybe even as much as me ...

Time will tell ... as the endings turn into beginnings ... of something new ...

A few days after my friend threw the magic rock in the trash ... she showed up with "another" one. I, of course, scoffed at the idea ... a replacement rock seemed something like substitute magic ...

Not wanting to hurt her feelings ... I accepted the second rock ... in the spirit it was given ... she had taken a picture afterall ... of the finding of the new rock ... it was right there where I found the first one ...

... waiting ... to be discovered ...

Picked up & pocketed ... the new rock ... has been the catalyst ... to a whirlwind of good things ... happening ...

And a few days ago ... she sent me a fun picture of a whole "bed" of new little rocks ... in the same spot ... where there were none before ... she says they are mutiplying ...

That made me smile. My magic rock begatting enough magic for all of us ...

It's simple, really. First you have to see the rock ... and pick it up. Then you have to believe in the magic. For it to become real.

Much like the elephant ... in the room ... dancing to the song in its heart ... or maybe it's the song in my heart ...

I'm pretty sure that my friend was right, though. The FIRST rock. It wasn't really magic. The magic was in me. All along. It took her finding the second rock ... for both of us to get it ... I guess ...

... and to see the elephant ... in the room ... as it choreographs the clumsy dance of change ...

"You said you wanted to try something "new", MJ" comes the elephant whisper ... yes, indeed, I do.

And I know that what's coming next is going to be a fun & interesting adventure ... because I just saw my elephant ...

Wink!

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

Journey On ...

2011-01-27T11:15:00.002-06:00

"Sometimes the hardest part

of the journey

is believing that

you're worthy of the trip"

~ Russell to Eddie,

THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER

by Glenn Beck

Life has been so hectic ... and weird ... lately.

Yeah. Weird.

Had a friend that once told someone else ... "If MJ ever uses the word weird in a conversation then you should pay close attention to whatever she says next ... because when she says weird it means she's getting ready to tell you something that's troubling her or that's really important to her" ...

Funny how words & phrases can conjure up memories that have been tucked away for safe keeping ...

I love books. And I have several scattered around the house that I have been picking up & putting down ... randomly ... for months & months. That's all I've had time for ... or maybe it's all I've made time for ... who knows ...

This week ... in the course of two hours ... I was given four books ... by people who are important to me ... one was given to me to "take a look at" in regards to a possible project .. two were recommended as "good reads" with one being fiction and one being spiritual ... and the fourth one ... was touted as "the best book I've read in a long time" ...

Naturally I chose that one first. Because of who offered it to me ... because I haven't really read anything in awhile ... maybe ... or it might have been because it was the shortest one ...

It was THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER by Glenn Beck. To be honest, it's NOT the "best" book I've read ... still it's the ""only" book I've read ... all the way through ... in a very long time ... and I found some things buried there ... that were meaningful & helpful ...

... and I am looking forward to discussing the book with the person who gave it to me ... next week ...

This morning, I have writer's block ... actually it's been hanging around for about a week ... which is weird ... in light of the encouragement I received last week from people who read what I write ...

A quick browse through the Facebook status' of my friends this morning turned up several interesting quotes about "choosing happy". Of course, that always makes me smile.

And it reminds me that I am not alone ... in my quest ... for happy ...

That was touched on in the book I read ... too ...

"You know, people are meant to be happy but sometimes that's hard to do if you've allowed yourself to become someone you're not"

~ Eddie's Grandfather to Eddie, THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER by Glenn Beck

Gotta love it. I've been telling people that I care about ... A LOT ... that very thing for a couple of years now ... you know ...

Start being who you are & stop being who you're not ...

Easy to say ... and so very hard to do ... I know ... I struggle with that one ... just like everyone else ... as I move the puzzles pieces around the table ... searching for the lost pieces ... of MJ ...

All of us start putting up our walls ... pretending everything's good ... when it's not ... because we're hurting ... or afraid ... or we've simply lost sight of who we are ... because we've been told that who we are really has no value ... is worthless somehow ...

... and we believe it ... the unworthy part ...

It's so much easier that way.

It is at that exact moment that we give up happy ... we choose the path MOST traveled ... rather than having the courage to believe in ourselves ... to like who we are ... to say to the world ... "there's something special here ... what I have to offer is rare & of great value ... "

Instead, we let others project their lack of self confidence ... their feelings of inadequacy ... onto us ...

and we embrace them as our own ...

... and we ... unwittingly ... project them onto someone else ... the ripple begins ... and the dominoes tumble ... and tumble ... and tumble ...

"When you choose the path, you choose the destination."

~ Russell to Eddie,

THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER, by Glenn Beck

In church on Sunday ... Del prayed ...

"We have our life ... we have our faith ... and somtimes they don't come together. So please help us, Lord, to CONNECT THE DOTS .."

Outloud. He spoke to me. And I wrote it down. Because it is important. To know when He speaks to me. It's more important to HEAR what He says to me.

Another out-of-context tidbit from Del ....

"All of us want our mother's love ...

and all of us want our dad's blessing"

That was spoken to me ... intimately ... personally ... outloud for all to hear. And I recognized it for what it was .... important ... to some dot-connecting ... going on in my life ... and the lives of people who are important to me.

Reading the book reminded me of another book I read ... a couple of years ago ... when I took the one-and-only roadtrip of my adult life ... so far ...

...and a conversation with someone who was important to me that followed ...

Hindsight is a funny thing ... he was a-friend-but-more ... to me ... and I was really nothing more than a convenience ... an option ... of value in the moment but not really worth the effort ... to him ... somehow ...

... it's still a troublesome thing to me ... that I didn't see it that way ... how it really was ... at the time ... all along ...

Anyway, the conversation, it had to do with me "going away" ... on a "sojourn" ... our story has been dotted with sojourns ... temporary breaks ... in the past ... that have brought us to the impasse of today ...

... and I am wondering if one person's "sojourn" is another person's "hibernation" ...

I hope so ... that there is self-discovery & healing to be found ... in both places ...

... dot ... to dot ... to dot ... the picture is drawn ... and when the image of who we are is revealed ... we don't recognize what we see ... there ... because we've been so busy being who we're not ... that we forgot who we are ...

Change will only come when you ... I ... we ... accept & receive ... that God ... and some people ... really do love you ... me ... us ... just for being who we are ...

You just being You. Me just being Me.

... wouldn't it be cool if you ... I ... we ... could like ourselves ... just for being who we are, too?!?

I like you ... just for being who YOU are.

Honest. I do.

Weird.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

Post Position

2011-01-17T10:24:00.001-06:00

Post position ... goes a long way to winning ... in horseracing. At least that's what I've been told.

Saturday was opening day at Oaklawn Park in Hot Springs. It was a beautiful day following on the heels of the BIG snow earlier in the week. Cabin-fevered fans rushed over to the track for the famous corned beef sandwiches ... and to watch the ponies ... run.

Not me. I had a full schedule of work-related things.

Still, I couldn't resist checking out the card for the day. Some people play fantasy football ... or whatever those imaginary teams are all about. I, on the otherhand, handicap from home during racing season ... in my own quirky way.

It's been a long time since I've actually been at the track. Guess it's because I lived away for so long ... and since moving back ... it seems that the season comes and goes before I find a good time to go.

This year I intend to make up for that. I love being there. I like to stand outside on the rail. The excitement of the crowd is intoxicating. The thrill of the race is ... a little hard to describe ... it's one of those lost pieces of MJ that I want to rediscover ... this year.

At the track, I usually have a horse or two in mind but then I wait to watch them parade out before placing a bet. It's intuitive for me. I rarely spend time on the racing form statistics. I am not serious or analytical in making my bets ... my picks on the horses are made much like I live life ... from the heart.

At home, though, I have to just go with tele-pathetic vibes. You know, just read over the names. And choose them based on what feels "right" at the moment. Not very scientific, I know ... but still it's fun & interesting.

And I have a pretty good success rate. I keep up with my pretend bets each day ... and carry forward my winnings on a spreadsheet. I start with less than $100 play money on my first day's wagers ... and then track it to the end of the season. Three horses (Win/Place/Show) in each race for $2 ... and a Daily Double bet. No need to complicate things ... by playing with larger sums ... it's make-believe afterall.

Works pretty well for me. I haven't ended a season with less than $500 in my little bank ... and on a bigger field ... I have picked the Kentucky Derby winner 20 out of the last 25 years ... following pretty much the same ... ahem ... strategy.

So Saturday morning, I am reading through the entries ... making my selections. Got to Race 5 ... and there at the top of the list was MY horse ... Life's Lessons.

Made me smile.

I don't actually follow this horse ... or anything. But since it carries the name of my blog ... I feel kinship whenever I see it in the lineup. My first encounter with Life's Lessons was the day after I posted my first blog entry. I wrote about that experience ... back in 2009 ... http://lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/2009_02_01_archive.html

It's a fun story. Even if MY horse came in .... DEAD LAST.

It's been a couple of years since then. And I recall having seen Life's Lessons in races since then ... but I don't really remember the outcomes. It's not like that for me.

Every race is a new opportunity ... at least that's the way I choose to see it.

Life's Lessons. Opening Day. Post Position 1.

It would have just been WRONG for me not put a little "something" on that one!

Found a friend who was going over to the track who agreed to spot me a "fun little bet". Figured since I wasn't going to be there ... and I was playing with someone else's money ... I would keep it simple ... much like my imaginary wagers.

$2 across the board. It was just for fun, afterall. Promised to buy him a drink this week when he came to bring me my winnings. It was all good.

Saturday was a very busy day for me. Work stuff had me running. And there are some other things happening ... unfolding ... in my life & the lives of people that are important to me ... that were occupying what little bit of thinkin' time I had. So it wasn't until the evening that it crossed my mind that I should check on MY horse.

A quick glance at the results at http://www.oaklawn.com/ showed that Life's Lessons was not "in the money".

I chuckled. Of course, not. This wasn't just a horse that I selected on intuition ... this was MY horse ... running for it's livelihood ... for it's life. Giving it's all ... to offer it's personal best ... TODAY.

Just like me.

So it was fitting ... somehow ... that it didn't runaway with a win .. or even place or show.

... the laughter began to swell ... from over there in the corner ... where my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... has been watching me all week ... as I have been navigating my way through an emotional minefield.

It's been like starting from the outside post position ... and trying to weave through the pack in front of you ... without a bump ... without a stumble ... pushing forward ... to the finish line ... when you can't even see around the next turn ...

*sigh* ... Life's Lessons had the advantage of the number one post position ... that should have been enough ... but it wasn't.

And I thought to myself. It's really not about winning. It's about how you run the race.

"Really, MJ?!? When did you adopt that philosophy?!? Do tell ... please. "

Yep. That's what He said as He began to laugh one of those big ole belly-laughs ... that comes from pure & utter delight in whatever it is that you are watching.

And there I was ... scratching my head ... wondering what was sooo funny.

Then in a rush ... came memory after memory.

I am very competitive. That's just the way I am wired, I guess. My grandfather taught me to play cards before I could read ... and he never let me win ... not one single time. Starting with his very own game ... that he made up ... with no purpose other than to teach my brothers and I ... how to play the game ... and to play to win. It was a game that was referred to ..; in the family ... simply as ... Cards.

I think that was about the same time he taught me how to drink coffee. With lots of sugar & cream ... at first ... then gradually weaning me off the "bad" stuff ... so that by the time I was able to hold my own in any game we chose ... I was drinking it black.

My dad ... he was a fierce competitor, too. Our card playing didn't start until later. He didn't have the patience to teach me the game ... he was more about stretching my intellect ... going for the "win" at all costs ... honing my skills for all that life would throw at me. Outwitting and outplaying ... these strategies were spoonfed to me from my youngest days ... long before Jeff Probst claimed them as his own ...

Play with integrity ... but ALWAYS play to win.

That's always been one of the driving forces in my life. And it's always worked out well for me ...

Still .. on Saturday ... the realization came .. that somehow ... I've changed ... and I guess I didn't know it was happening ... if I had it wouldn't have been such a surprise ...

Sure. Winning is important. Especially when the stakes are high ... when there's much to gain from the outcome. Other times, not so much.

Not because the risk is too great. That's never a detractor to me. I love challenges ... doing something that others have said is impossible ... putting it all on the line. If it's something that grabs my attention ... the risk is never too great.

There have been times ... in the last few years ... when I've found that the win wasn't going to be worth the price. It's not really winning if you have to give up pieces of yourself ... lose your dignity ... sacrifice even the tiniest bit of your morals or integrity,

In my past ... winning ... just for the sake of winning ... was always IMPORTANT ... in addition to whatever was the actual goal. Today, though, I've discovered there are times when it's staying in the game that's important ... not the big, easy win.

So I'm running my race. Competitively. And I'm learning things about winning ... and life ... and myself

It isn't really all about winning the first time out ... or the second .. or third ... one hundredth ...

It's about keeping your eyes on the prize ... that waits at the finish line.

And I am learning, too, that sometimes simply finishing the race ... what you started ... is the WIN that counts ... even if you don't get a blanket of roses.

Somehow, I've changed. That's what I said to myself on Saturday.
Imagine that.

Very, very late ... when I was home & settling down from the long day ... I decided that it was important to know what position MY horse finished in.

My guess was that it was going to be DEAD LAST again ...

Finally found a website that gave me the finish stats for the entire field ... not just the WINNERS.

Life's Lessons came in ... SECOND ... to last!

... ahhh ... Avis ... from front to back ... or start to finish ... always second to something .. always trying harder ...

And the laughter filled the room ... it was contagious ... it was impossible not to join in the rolling-on-the-floor merriement. My Best Friend & I ... laughing so hard ... that we snorted.

I've told you many times before ... God snorts when He laughs. It's true. I promise.

"YOUR horse, MJ ... has learned a couple of things ... just like you. Not only did Life's Lessons finish the race .. today ... it came in ahead of the last time. And there's always the next time. The race isn't over ... until you just quit running ... and the easy WIN isn't ever worth as much as the one you've waited & worked for ... trust me ... it's a promise!"

Life's Lessons ... is still running at Oaklawn ... two years later ... and it's learned a thing or two ... redesigned & refined its strategy ... and its moved up a notch.

Postive forward progress.

Life's Lesson ... and me.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) January 2011

Winter ... Whatever ....

2011-01-13T17:21:00.001-06:00

Last week, the temperatures hovered in a Spring-like range .... as we watched & waited for the BIG snow. Interestingly enough ... this time ... the forecasters got it right ... it really should have been no surprise ... not to me ... I should have seen the avalanche coming ...

Winter has been on my mind ... ever since a somewhat unsettling conversation last week ... with a friend ... that ended with a reference to "hibernation".

It was his response ... to my response ... to a sudden change in the air ...

... guess the reality of the situation just set in ...

So the concept of "hibernation" has been following me around for a week now ... and the weirdness of the exchange ... and the unsettled feelings that remain ... caused me to share my thoughts on hibernation with that friend ... in an email ... over the weekend ...

Here's what I wrote ...

To me, hibernation means spending the winter in a dormant state ... holed up in a dark cave somewhere ... staying warm with whatever you can find there in the dark ... only to wander out when spring arrives to discover that a season has passed ... with changes having taken place in the world around you ... but still you are in exactly the same place as you were before .

The alternative to hibernation is to embrace the winter season with gusto. To bundle up, play in the cold, throw snowballs, laugh, drink good coffee, and curl up in front of a fire from time-to-time to recharge. When spring comes, you aren't wandering out ... sluggish & stagnant ... from inactivity ... instead you are ready to embrace the next season with gusto ... because each new season brings it's own adventure.

I won't be hibernating. I will be out there shoveling the snow ... so that whatever it is that is coming next in my life ... has a clear path ... to find me. Living life ... through its ups & downs .. to the fullest ... is my goal. Sharing some of life ... with people that I find fun & interesting ... is preferable to hibernating.

Somehow I had hoped that just saying what was on my mind was going to be enough ... to ease the uncertainty ... that seemed to have gained momentum ... on it's on ... much like a snowball rolling downhill ...

It hasn't.

Yes, indeed. The BIG snow came ... after that. Something like 6 inches at my house ... and apparently a total snowbound situation ... no way in ... no way out ... on the other end.

Sunday started with some beautiful winter sunshine ... and ended with the snowfall. In the morning ... over my coffee ... I noted in my journal:

Hibernation ... if He (God through Del) talks about hibernating ... this morning ... I will ... well, I don't WHAT I will do ...guess it depends on WHAT He has to say about it ...

On the ride over to church, I commented crypticly to my friend ... who had arrived the day before ... to spend the winter ... the season ... that it was going to be interesting to see if Del talked about "hibernating" this morning ...

Yeah ... it was sort of a test ... to see if I was ... imagining ...

... the significance of things.

Grabbed a cup of coffee ... and visited with several folks before the service ... most of the conversation was centered on whether the snow was really going to come ... or not ... and out of no where, one friend said ... he WAS NOT shoveling snow ... under any circumstances.

Smack! No doubt about what was coming next ...

Settled into our seats ... and once again ... we sang .... the same song that we've been singing for weeks ... and weeks ... and weeks ...

... Strength will rise

As we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord ...

It was somehow reassuring. I actually smiled when I heard the giggle ...
in my ear ...

"You're really NOT going to stop waiting ... NOW ... are you, MJ?!?!
You're almost there!"

And then ... up on the screen ... without warning ..

2011

Developing Relationships

Of course. That's what Del's going to talk about ... whew ... a little close to the mark ... but not a dead-on bullseye ... like hibernation would have been ... it's all good ...

... that's what I was thinking.

"If we don't do anything else ... this year ... we are going to work on THIS ... developing REAL relationships"

It was somewhat random ... out-of-context ... up on the screen ... hovering in the air ... not the title of the message ...after all .. it was more of a challenge .. a mandate ...

The what's coming next ... that I have been so eagerly awaiting ... I guess ... maybe ... maybe not ...

And then something Del said a couple of weeks ago popped in to my head ... as we sang some more songs ...

... You DON'T have the power to keep God from working in your life ...

It was an overwhelming thought ... it sort of wrapped itself all around me ... as we sang a familiar song ... that suddenly had new meaning ... because, you know, I am thinking about ... winter ... seasons ...

You are the same in every season ...

Great are you, Lord ...

By the end of the singing ... I knew it was going to be a real side-splitter of a message ... a barrel of laughs ... and that unsettled, anxious feeling returned.

I was distracted a bit. So I didn't write down what the actual title of the message was ... but Del opened with the statement that there were two basic things that we ... all of us ... battle. ...

... wanting to ESCAPE life ...

... wanting to make life EASY ...

I chuckled inwardly. Oh yeah ... here it comes ... He IS going to talk about "hibernating" ...
imagine that!

And then right off the bat ... Del said ...

People use their sexuality to fill up empty holes ...
in their lives ... in their hearts.

Wow! No holding back today. Just go straight to the point ... why don't ya?!?!

Random sex ... that has nothing to do with true intimacy ... or real love ... is the most common thing people use to ESCAPE from the mundaneness of their lives. Materialism ... using things instead of sex ... to feel validated is a close second. Followed by a lifestyle based on a PARTY spirit ... having "fun" ... random encounters ... rather than REAL relationships ...

These are the ways that people ESCAPE from ...
the "reality of the situation" ....

All of us try to escape life from time to time ... to find a way to make life easier ... somehow ... somewhere ... the important thing is to not get lost over there ... in those places ...

Duh. I knew that. Guess it was just God's way of trying to stave off ... the blindside that came later in the week ... only it really wasn't ... a total shock ... not really ... you see, I had already been preparing for it ... for several days ...

...in my telepathetic way.

Life sucks. That's what I had shared with a couple of friends earlier. It wasn't so much that anything had happened ... not yet ... my life was somewhat on an even keel ... except for the weird, uneasiness that came with the conversation about hibernating.

I'm ok. Really. That's what I told them. It's true. It was more a statement of the futility of it all. My premise was that the sooner we all accept that fact ... the more clearly we will see how important it is to stay focused on the prize ... to keep our eyes open for the good things that come along from time to time ... and to have the courage to grab ahold of them before they simply pass us by.

That's what I said.

And there I sat ... in church on Sunday ... and Del was pretty much preaching the same message. He said that life is full of pain ... and hurts. So we battle with how to escape from the reality ... of it all. Different people find different ways to escape ... sex, things, partying ... in an attempt to "feel better" ... or to "be happier" ... and if they're not careful ... ESCAPE becomes the focus ... the purpose ... of their lives.

... it simply doesn't work ... not really ... sex, things, partying ... really don't fill the empty places ... they really don't make you feel better about yourself or life ... they really don't make you happier ...

Truth is ... when the momentary high wears off ... you feel worse than you did before ...

Escaping ... it's about getting relief from LIFE ... the pressures of life that are so hard to handle ...it's an attempt to make life a little easier ...

As if ...life's supposed to be easy ..

So Del & God ... were double teaming me ... AGAIN ... I knew it for sure ... because somewhere in the midst of it all .. Del said ... outloud ... from the platform ...

We just can't seem to connect the dots!

He wanted to make sure that I was really GETTING it ... like I could possibly have missed it .. the point.

Truth is, I got it ... I get it ... have been for quite sometime ... just not really sure what I am supposed to be doing with it ... because at the end of the day, everyone gets to choose ... for themselves ...

I had a near-miss with someone who once was very important to me on Friday nite. I saw him. He saw me. We both pretended we didn't, though. It just hurt too much ... I guess ... to speak. And besides, what could we have possibly said ?!?

Not a thing.

He touched on that encounter, too ... on Sunday morning. You see, the message was directed at me ... personally.

Shame feels like a dirty, dirty blanket ... on your heart. That's what He said. It was a vivid visual image. A dirty blanket ... smothering ... choking the life right out. He went on to say that "shame" and "guilt" aren't the same things.

Shame is more about feeling unclean .. unworthy ... of the good things that come your way.

Guilt, on the other hand, is the acknowledgement of your mishap ... screw up ... indiscretion ... lapse in character. Guilt can be dealt with directly ... head-on ... and resolved ..., put to rest ... so you can move on.

Shame. Well, shame lingers & lingers.

God sends good things our way .. because He loves us. He places people in our lives ... in a strategic fashion ... to help us climb out of that dark place ... that we have chosen to hole up in ...escaping ... hibernating ... hoping that when we poke our heads out ... in another season ... that somehow everything will have changed ... without any effort on our part ...

Somehow ... it never really works that way ... it simply doesn't happen.

In order to rid yourself of shame ... you have to be willing to be washed clean ...

...and to accept that you are clean ... after the washing.

Lots of people posted ... during the snow days ... about sins being washed white as snow ... as a postscript, it seems ... to Del's comments about being washed clean ... of our shame ... in order to move towards the life we want to be living.

Washing clean ... reminds me of the luscious bar of soap that I received as a gift for Christmas. It's great big ... and smells like mandarin oranges. Absolutely yummy! And the cool thing about this particular soap is that the smell doesn't fade after just a couple of washings ... it stays fragrant all the way to very last sliver.

I know ... because I had peach bar given to me ... by the same person last year. I loved it so much that I asked for another ... because I always felt so ... clean ... after using it.

This morning, as I ponder all of the pieces ... that suddenly seem to fit .... in a puzzle that doesn't really look like I thought it was going to ... I decided to check my perception ... to look up "hibernate" ... because maybe, just maybe, I was wrong about the whole thing.

HIBERNATE - intransitive verb - 1: to pass the winter in a torpid or resting state ... 2: to be or become inactive or dormant

Hmmm ... pretty much what I thought ... "torpid" that's an interesting word ... let's take a look at that one ...maybe there will something insightful there ...

TORPID - 1a : having lost motion or the power of exertion or feeling : dormant, numb b : sluggish in functioning or acting ... 2: lacking in energy or vigor : apathetic, dull

Wow! That pretty much says it all.

Hibernation = Escape From Life

All of this talk of hibernating reminded me of the movie, GROUND HOG DAY. Hibernation is basis of the whole ground hog legend ... after all.

And in the movie, the same day .. the same story ... repeats itself over and over and over ... until Phil Connors (Bill Murray) finally re-evaluates his life & priorities ... and figures out the change ... the something new ... that makes the difference ... that allows him to move on from the life he's been living ... to what's coming next. ...

Haven't we all been there ... done that ...

That place in your heart that hurts the most ... that you spend so much of your time & energy ... escaping ... that you SO DISLIKE ... avoiding the hurting that is necesasry for the healing to come ...

That's the very place ... where God dwells ... the spirit of God lives THERE ... in that darkest place in your heart.

He's waiting for you ... there .. in that most intimate, personal places.

Of course, only you can make you happy ... no one else can do that for you. It's always YOUR choice.

... lots & lots of pondering ... but by the time got to work this morning ... the dots were all connected.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) January 2011

Find A Penny ...

2011-01-05T13:46:00.001-06:00

Baking this morning ... and had to run down to the corner grocery store for a couple of things ... as I was checking out ... the cashier said ... randomly ... "Would you like to try something new?"

Without hesitation I said, "Sure!"
And she handed me a package of pretzel M & Ms ... Happy New Year!

True story. I promise.

And as I wandered back to my car ... a little stunned ... I felt the nudge ...

"C'mon, MJ ... don't be so surprised !"

I've been getting these messages ... fast & furious ... since the weekend ..

Yep. It's true. The clock struck twelve ... midnight New Year's Eve ... & my disappointed heart screamed "I GIVE UP! I AM DONE ... BELIEVING!"

And my young friend ... who was along for the ride Friday nite... said, "You can't stop believing, MaryJane. There are no time limits on magic ..."

Back in the kitchen ... cake in the oven ... I reached into the frig to get the butter for the icing ... and son-of-a gun ... I was one stick short. Grumbling a little, I wondered how was it possible that I didn't realize that when I so carefully checked my list before I went to the store ... an hour before ...

the first time ...

So I hopped back in the car ... reached the corner ... all the while my mind is
a-pinging and a-ponging ... off of the recent messages ... conversations ... things that I am pretty sure add up ... but aren't really making sense to me ... yet ...

Stepping out of the car ... I smiled over at the pretzel M & Ms ... they were laying there on the front seat where I tossed them a little bit ago ...

something new ... sure, I'd love to try something new ...

That's what a friend said last nite ... when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday ... today ...

He smiled a little sheepishly ... and said,

"Well, I'd like to do something new."

There was some good-natured ribbing, of course ... based on where you put the inflections in that simple statement ... there are a number of different interpretations ... no matter how you look at it, though ... the possibilities are tantalizing & endless ... and it was interesting that he said "something new" instead of "something different" ... "new" and "different" are not the same things ...

Walking across the parking lot .. thinking about "something new'" ... I glanced down ... right in the middle of my path was a penny ... not a shiny new one ... but a dull, well-worn, ordinary one ... so I picked it up ... it made me smile.

Cake's baking ... and there in my inbox was my little Today God Wants You To Know message ... and it says that today is going to be a BIG day for me ... to keep my eyes open ... there's a message for me ... in an obscure place ... one that I've been waiting a long time to hear ...

Something new ... pretty sure that's the message ...

Pretzel M & Ms ... not my plain Ms (magic) that didn't come through for me last year ... not my peanut Ms (miracles) that continue to overflow from the candy jars in the lives of my friends ... but a pretzel M ...

... something new ...

On Sunday morning, I scrubbed my kitchen floor ... it was really dirty ... from holiday traffic & baking. So instead of mopping ... I made up a hot soapy pan of water ... and got down there on the floor ... and cleaned it Cinderella style ..

It was an offering ... of sorts ... much like cleaning the bathroom has been in the past ... if you know me really well, you know what that's all about ... and my little FB fortune cookie that morning ... the first one of the new year said ...

You're almost there.

... I've been thinking I was almost there for quite some time ... guess there's still hope that I am NOT on the road that leads to nowhere.

And on the way to church I was thinking about the popular adage of a few decades ago ...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

It was so profound that I wrote it in my journal before I grabbed a cup of coffee & visited with my church friends before the service started.

The lights dimmed. The music started ... and there we were singing ...

Love will hold us together ... Make us a shelter to weather the storm ...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Another message on the horizon ... just for me ... no doubt ...

And there it was ... up on the screen ... the title of the message ... surprise!

A New Beginning

Remember that was Sunday ... today is Wednesday ... something new has been floating around for days & days ...

Del opened with a prayer ... and he asked us to allow God to use the broken things of our pasts to open up new avenues to our future ...

Simple. Powerful. Beautiful.

... there is no one like our God ...

greater things are yet to come ...

greater things are still to be done...

... here ...

I believe ... I believe in you, God ...

This morning even Drew was involved in the conspiracy to throw my very words & thoughts back in my face ... squeezing the "selfish" right out of me ...

That's what I have been ... I know it ... I even admitted it to friends over the weekend ... that I was being selfish ... wishing for a little bit of magic ...
for me ...

Well, it's not so much that the wishing is selfish ... it's being so disappointed & cranky because I haven't gotten ... and don't see any evidence that I will ever be getting ... what it is that I think I want ... the most ... the desire of my heart ...

When I was getting dressed Sunday morning ... I was talking to myself ... outloud in the mirror ... which is what I do at times when I am really struggling with my thoughts ...

... and I said something like ... was it really too much to ask?!? A little bit of magic for MJ?!?! Just a few minutes that would make me feel alive ... & vital ?!?

And as I journaled about this outloud cry of frustration ... I struggled to define what "a little bit of magic" would really feel like ... you see, many of my friends who lend me an ear from time-to-time ... have been asking me what is the feeling that I am yearning so deeply to experience ...

Searching for that answer .. I continued in my rant ... about the futility of it all ... the unwillingness in my heart to participate in meaningless encounters & imaginary relationships that involve a lot of "outside" giving in an attempt to fill up the empty places on the "inside" ... seriously ... is it possible to find someone special who will accept me on the inside ... and the outside?!?!

It caught me offguard when Del shared with the entire world what the desire of my heart was ... what a little bit of magic really feels like ... he said ... and I am taking this totally out-of-context ... sorry, Del ...

... something that thrills the heart ...

Wow. That's it exactly.

And then he said ... "being alive = enjoying life" ...

... followed by ... hold on to your hat ... Del stood up there on the platform ... on Sunday ... and asked ...

Are you willing to try something new?

... and this morning ... I was asked again ...

"Do you want to try something new?

...followed by the offering of some NEW M & Ms ...

Del's message was amazing ... so I will share some bits & pieces here ... remember, if it's good stuff & makes sense .. then Del said it ... not me ...

A couple of reasons were given as to why you don't always accept something new ... or don't embrace a fresh start ...

One is the loss of vision for your life ... your life has become so overwhelming that your vision of WHO you are has shrunk so small ... you can't even imagine the wonderful things God has in store for you ... you've been so beat down ... that if you're not careful ... you really might miss the good things when they come your way ...

Of course, that was directed at me. I'd been struggling with the "change WHO you are to change your life" message throughout the holidays ... until the opening of the special gift on Christmas day ... the crystal ball that gave me the answer I was seeking ... to focus more on being who I am than changing who I am ...

Another reason you don't embark on a new beginning is that you have a hardened heart. There's just so much stuff that has happened that you finally shut down ... and to clear a path to something new ... you'd would have to let go of those things from the past ... that have become so comfortable & familiar ... not to mention you'd have to be willing to open your door ... to let someone step a little closer ... to risk being hurt ... again ...

Yeah. Another bullseye. Thank goodness I had already verbalized my New Year's Resolutions ... otherwise, this validation of my longings would have felt more like a head-smack ...

Most of us live our lives out of our fear & self-condemnation ... we have reached the place where we believe that we don't deserve anything fresh ... or new ... or real ... that it really doesn't get much better than whatever the this is in our lives is ... right now ... this minute .. today.

Is there junk in our hearts?!? You bet there is. I love it when Del puts it out there so plain-and-simple, direct-like.

Instead of focusing on our junk, we need to find our hidden treasures ... we need to live out of our treasures ... the things that make us rare .. unique ... and special ...

Sorting through our junk ... re-arranging our puzzle pieces ... we have to thow out the old stuff that doesn't fit ... anymore ... and we need to be brave enough ... bold enough ... to grab a hold of the new things that come our way ... without worrying over how & where it's going to fit ... into our puzzle ... into our life ...

Adventure ... unknown possibilities ... what's coming next ... those are things that have always excited me ... and I am ready to start living my life that way again ... I am tired of being guarded ... afraid to believe in the magic ...

If you live life all planned out ... you will become boring ... bored ... dead ... inside ... You have to stop trying to figure everything out ... that's just a defense mechanism ... because you are scared to death ... to take a chance on something new ...

You can not have certainty ... AND adventure ... at the same time. It's just not possible.

You can't organize the people & things in your life into neat little categories ... AND have excitement. ... at the same time. No way for that to happen.

Tear down the walls. Break out of the darkness. Decide that you are going to discover ... and understand ... who you really are ... maybe for the first time ... ever ... because YOU are worth it!

In closing ... Del & my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe, couldn't resist one more little poke ...

"The desires of your heart are God's desires for you, MJ".

Yep. That's what He said. Outloud. That's what I heard Him say ... anyway.

Something new. You bet I'm ready.

Just after midnight on the brink of the new year ... a message came ... "Wishing you the best year ever."

That's what it said. What a nice wish. "Thanks", I said. "Maybe you're wish will come true" ... you know, meaning the wish for ME to have the best year ever.

Immediately the simple reply came ... "It will."

Really?!? Now that's interesting. So I pressed ... "You promise?" And without hesitation came the answer ...

"It's His will."

Guess I won't challenge that one. I have decided to stop trying to second-guess everything ... to figure it all out ... to out-plan God. I can make my own plans, I know ... or I can open up my life and step out into the adventure He has planned for me. Afterall, I have always loved surprises!

So I am throwing my door wide open ... no more tentative crack to peek through ...

I'm calling out ... "here I am" ... with a fresh enthusiasm ... full of laughter ... ready for fun ... & a willingness to boldly seek new adventures ... trusting that there is someone ... out there ... who is wants to share a little of life ... with me.

A little bit of magic. Something new.

I'm ALL in!

...Maybe ... by Sick Puppies ... my song for "something new"...

www.lifelessons-mj-blogspot.com/

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-01T10:38:00.003-06:00

Choose happy ...
People before things ... always ...
Pray more ... wish less ...
Follow my heart ... whereever it leads ... at all costs ...

Be open to new adventures ...

Let someone in ... even if it hurts ...
Focus less on changing ... & more on being ... who I am ...

Don't lose sight of what's really important ---

like hand-holding & smiles ...

Embrace what's coming next with

joy & enthusiasm ...

Believe ...

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) January 2011