Sunday, May 19, 2013

A Darker Shade of Pale

A spray tan.  Seriously, what was I thinking?!?!

The idea was to give a little color to my lily-white legs ... offering up the confidence to wear a cute little dress to the party ... without spending the evening thinking everyone was secretly laughing at my pasty limbs.

Top-down weather brings a terrific natural color to my face and upper body ... still ... there's the legs.  Always below the dashboard when driving ... never receiving the benefits of the sun's kiss ...it makes it awkward & problematic when I decide to wear shorts or dresses with no hose.

My past attempts at imitation tanning products have always been a disaster ... consequently I have always shied away from a spray tan. Tanning products have always left my skin splotchy ... or orange-ish.  Never a good color ... or any shade even remotely natural looking.  Most of the time the only enhancement has been making my myriad of freckles darker ... causing a comical polka-dotty outcome.



Still ...Every day I watch as the variety of people come out of the tanning booth ... delighted with the results.  And I think ... "Hmmm.  Maybe that's the solution to my white-leg-syndrome."

A boost of confidence is what I was looking for yesterday .... so I figured, "What the heck!  It's worth a shot!"

And, you know, for just a few hours last night ... in the twilight ... it seemed to work.

Pause.

That's been the word-of-the-day for a couple of weeks now.  It's shown up in various places ... and pretty much every single specific message ... from quotes to horoscopes to God Wants Me To Know to direct MJ hits from the established double-team ... has offered up a bit of wisdom that involved slowing down ... taking time out ... pausing.

One day last week, as I wandered through the minefield that is my house right now, I picked up a book.  It's one that I haven't gotten around to reading yet.  I just keep moving it from room to room ... spot to spot ... thinking, If I leave it right here ...or right there ... I will be more likely to pick it up.

And pick it up I did. Three times in one day.  Each time, I randomly opened it ... to take in whatever was there on the page.  You see, I didn't have time to start reading it for real yet.  I just wanted to see what was going to be there for me ... when time allowed.

A sneak peak, if you will.

A brand-new book.  Never been read by anyone.  No likelihood of an impression made in the spine due to the frequent opening to one specific spot ... or creasing from time spent there.

Yet, each time it fell open to the same place.  It was mid-way through a chapter.  The title of the chapter was at the top of the page. The book?  Cure for the Common Life by Max Lucado.

Pause On Purpose

The first time it happened ...it made me smile.  The second time it happened ... I knew that it was important.  And the third time, well, I wept ... because the weariness of my soul was exposed there ... impossible to ignore any longer.

People brought Jesus more than sick bodies and seeking souls.  They brought Him agendas. Itineraries. Unsolicited advice. "Heed us," they said. "We'll direct your steps." They say the same to you.  Look over your shoulder, my friend.  The crowd is one step back.  Still, they seem to know more about your life than you do.  Where you should work. Who you should spend time with.  What you should do.  
They will lead your life if you let them.

There was more, of course ...
Christ repeatedly left the crowd to hear the voice of God.  
He resisted the undertow of the people by anchoring to the rock of His purpose:  
employing His uniqueness everywhere He could.  
He said No to good things so He could say Yes to right things.  

In other words ... Jesus ... paused.

Tomorrow is a big day.  All weekend, Jessi has defiantly stated ... "I DON'T want to talk about it ... until tomorrow!"

The key will be picked up.  The door will be unlocked.  And both of us will move through it knowing that life as we know it will never be the same. 

It's a good thing.  Still ... change is hard ... and stress-inducing. Even when it's positive.

Jessi told her sister that she is ... "a brave girl" ... weeks ago. She is drawing on her inner strength ... courage ... and faith as the days continue to move us along to ... tomorrow.

This morning she was in the den singing ... loudly ... "It is well ... with my soul!"

Of course, she's singing the Selah version.  It's a favorite of hers.  It's also a favorite of mine.

Following her lead, I went to find the video for my own enjoyment.  (It Is Well With My Soul by Selah)   I've watched this particular video hundreds of times. And once again, Selah was speaking straight to my heart with the song. 

Singing a long ... I was stunned when it reached the middle.  Todd's performance was full of power & determination ... he was deliberately turning his body from left to right ... right to left ... in a rhythm that conveyed ... confidence.

It was the same rhythmic movement that I was instructed to use yesterday ... to garner an even spray tan. "Just start the turning motions, MaryJane, before the spray starts ... then don't be distracted when the first cold blast hits you ... keep turning from side-to-side." 

Those were my instructions.  I followed them to a "t".  It was the sure-fire way to achieve a perfect spray tan.  And that fake tan ... was going to bolster my confidence as I ventured into an uncertain situation.  That was the plan at any rate.

Seeing Todd ... turning & swaying ... this morning ... it struck me.  Confidence isn't a temporary outward appearance thing.  True confidence comes from knowing that you are doing exactly what God wants you to do.  It's an outward sign of inner peace and obedience.  It's radiance and glow come from the heart of one who is fully alive and real and genuine.

As always, the laughter filled the room as my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe whispered ... again ... "Pause, MJ.  Stop listening to the crowd.  Listen to me."

For the record ... the turning movement works great for Todd.  It exudes confidence ... and conviction.  It declares ... "Look at me!  I am living out of my passion ... sharing my unique gifts with the world ... doing exactly what God wants me to do!"

For me, not so much.  Epic spray tanning fail.

This morning everything about the color appears uneven ... unnatural ... and all of my freckles are darker and more pronounced ... splotchy.  Sigh. Polka-dotty mess.
  
Pause. 

It's taken more than a few gentle nudges for me to get it.  
 I can be focused ... and stubborn ... like that.

Find a quiet time.  For reflection ... re-evaluation ... a recapturing of purpose. It's important.  I am moving into uncharted territory, after all.  And I will need all of the confidence I can muster.

I was totally unprepared for that twisting, turning blindside this morning. So I will search my heart over the next few weeks ... discovering ... or maybe re-discovering ... the truths & strength that are hiding there.

A visit to a different church for a different form of worship ... left me wide open for the reminder that God always knows where I am ... and that I am a constant source of amusement to Him.

As I headed out ... I left Him shaking His head & chuckling aloud ...

"Seriously, MJ?!?!  A spray tan?!?!

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(c) May 2013