It darted ... and hovered ... until it had captured my attention.
Isn't there an old hummingbird feeder out in the shed?!? I asked myself.There's bound to be one out there somewhere ... we had so many ... once upon a time.
So on a day ... in a week ... when everything in my life seemed to be stalled ... I became overtaken by the idea of a hummingbird feeder ...
outside my patio door.
Nothing I have done ... or attempted to do ... in the last two weeks ...
has panned out.
Things I cook so routinely that I could do it in my sleep ... have ended up burned or somehow not right. Appointments made ... randomly cancelled. Activities started ... but somehow not completed. Things placed ... only to be discovered in a misplaced place. Conversations with clearly spoken, carefully crafted words ... misheard and misunderstood.
It took two days to get around to it. I've been a bit distracted ... by kittys ... and drops ... and other people's dreams. All in a good way.
The shed is a sad, scary place. Even though I've attempted to clean it out a couple of times over the last eight years. Gosh! Has it really been that long?!?!
A few minutes was all it took to find what I went looking to find. In keeping with the tempo of my life at the moment ... turns out it was only a partial hummingbird feeder that was hiding there. That's the reason it was left behind, no doubt. It was missing something essential.
I carried the glass bottle inside and washed it up. There was the bottle with a red cap-like thingy on top that made the hanger. And a screw on thingy that once held the nectar dish in place.
Problem was ... there was no nectar dish.
Immediately, I felt defeated. It was just one more thing ... in a string of things lately ... that just wasn't going to happen the way it was
supposed to happen.
And it was such a simple thing.
The next day ... when once again ... my plans to pro-actively & productively do something that was at least a little bit tied to my work ... were scrapped ... I wandered back to the idea of a hummingbird feeder.
Surely it couldn't be too hard to adapt the partial hummingbird feeder ... or even to make one from stuff around the house. I said that outloud .. then allowed myself to be distracted once again.
Several times throughout the day, it was mentioned. "Have you gone online to see about making a hummingbird feeder, MaryJane?" or "I bet there are videos out there to show you how to put one together, MJ?"
Intended to be supportive and encouraging, the suggestions were more like the frantic waving of a red flag in front of a bull. Motivating me, yes, but not necessarily in the intended way.
"Thwarted. I refuse to be thwarted!" I mumbled to myself. And in an instant, I realized that I had been grappling with that word for ...
Thwart. To defeat the hopes or aspirations of ...
My mind immediately raced back a month or so ... to the day when gathering up limbs in the yard ... we stumbled across a lunar moth ... resting on the ground. It was being very, very still ... hoping to blend in with the grass. So still, that we thought it was injured.
Turns out, it was not injured. Just hiding.
We attempted to assist it by nudging it ... hoping to help it fly. Once it realized that we weren't going to let it be ... it spread it's wings and took to the air ... racing headlong into the inevitable.
A huge bird shot out of nowhere ... and took it in one smooth, swift swoop ... Just like that. Poof! Into thin air.
In the blink of an eye, it was gone!
The lousy feeling ... of having prodded the moth ... to its demise ... has lingered. A graphic visual of ... thwart.
It's not enough to stay positive ... to keep the faith ... to focus on the tiny baby steps as you march towards your dreams. Or so it seems.
I watched a couple of videos on how to build hummingbird feeders. A fairly elaborate one ... and one so simplistic it was laughable. Cut holes in a red solo cup ... punch two holes at top ... run a piece of string through them ... tie a knot ... fill with sugar water ... and hang it on a nail.
And after a failed attempt at adding a bottom to the existing feeder, I did exactly that ... with a red solo cup. Frustrated ... and with a bit of attitude ... I strung up the iconic red cup ... and just hung it out there.
Refusing to be thwarted. That's what I said about it.
Setback ... has followed setback ... in all things MJ. Laughing in the face of adversity on all fronts has been the tangible indication of a shred of hope & promise at the end of each day.
Paradoxically, success ... after success ... has burst forth in the lives of many who are important to me. Results of staying positive ... keeping the faith ... and taking those tiny baby steps ... proof positive that the MJ walk-the-talk ... is the ticket.
The ticket ... for everyone else ... not me.
On more than one occasion, I have been busted out for having a victim mentality. An o-woe-is-me-Eeyore attitude. Each time, I had to laugh. I don't feel like a victim ... nor do I share Eeyore's pessimistic view of life.
Maybe it's more like Pig-Pen ... from Peanuts ... perpetually wandering around in a cloud of his own dust. Dust that he has come to accept ... finding a sense of pride and ownership in the cloud comprised of dust from ancient, lost civilizations. Swirling about ... at all times ... attempting to obscure whatever joy is to be found in the moment.
Thwart. It's a test of some sort ...or possibly an attack. I am not really sure which ... either way ... I refuse to let it get best of me.
A sponge ... that's what I was after when I entered the hardware store. It was easily found and on the way to the checkout ... the solution to the hummingbird feeder design presented itself. It was random ... as all things worthwhile in my life seem to be ... the thing that I saw that triggered the creative response.
Back at home, I secured the flat lid of a small plastic container around the drip hole of the glass bottle ... and punched a few holes around the edges.
I added a bit more sugar water and some red food coloring ... then snapped the bottom of the container in place ... and hung it just above the witchy yard kite.
In a matter of seconds the first little hummer discovered the spot. Flitting in and out, it hovered over the lid and drank of the sweet nectar. Then dashed off to tell the others. Soon there was a parade of hummingbirds ... some drinking in groups ... others darting in for a quick sip ... off again, on their way.
Overcoming the odds and difficulties ... with a positive result. Victory. That's what it felt like. And it was good. The not being thwarted.
Over coffee ... the open-ended conversation continues ... joy found in a litany of good things happening to good people ... clouded by the murkiness of MJ obstacles. A mathematical exercise ... brightened by the presence of the hummingbirds ...
"Don't become discouraged, MaryJane.
He is saving the BEST for last."
He is saving the BEST for last."
Simple words. Not a whisper this time. Spoken words ... offered up as a soothing balm ... an encouragement ... a hope ... to go with the smile ... that I cling to ... and tend to hide behind ... lately.
So what could I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, O God,
Completely to You.
Sometimes on a day during which nothing seems to happen, MaryJane, everything gets way better. ~ so saith the Universe
(c) September 2013